Today we are celebrating our first Easter away from home. The first time we have celebrated the resurrection of Christ without family to share it with. While that is sad for us, we feel blessed to have awesome friends who have invited us to spend the afternoon with them.
As I reflected on Easter this morning, my mind was taken back to Easter two years ago. It did not fall on the same weekend - it was actually a weekend in mid-April. The week before Easter, we had discovered that we had miscarried our sweet baby at 10 weeks. I had a D&C to deliver our baby on the Thursday before Good Friday. As we headed to church that Easter Sunday, I was still recovering, emotionally, spiritually and physically. That is the nice way of saying that I was a mess. I was so heartbroken over the loss of my tiny baby that I didn't know if I could even make it through the day. I know I went through the motions that day. I attended the Sunrise Service, ate the awesome breakfast, watched Dylan hunt for Easter eggs, & sang in the choir. It was a struggle to sing about Christ's resurrection all the while remembering my baby who had died & who God had not healed, even through I prayed & prayed that he would.
I am still emotional as I think about that baby who would be 17 months old this Easter. It makes me sad that we won't get to meet & enjoy that baby until we get to heaven one day. My heart still aches from that loss. I can tell you that I still don't understand why that baby was taken from us. I have some theories, but I know I won't ever fully know why until God tells me someday. But one thing that I am sure of - God gives & God takes away. Sometimes it is easy to focus on only how God takes away.
This weekend, at the Good Friday service, I was reminded that I not the only woman who has lost a child. Mary, the mother of Jesus, saw her oldest son, her first baby boy, suffer and die on the cross. What unimaginable pain for a mother. I was also reminded that while Jesus was God & understood the purpose behind his death, his mother was fully human & was watching her baby suffer for reasons she did not understand. She didn't know that he would rise again. She wasn't aware of the full picture surrounding her son's death until he came back to Earth. And even then, while I am sure she believed in him, I would assume that she still didn't fully understand. I feel like I am in kind of the same boat as Mary in regards to the baby we lost. I don't understand it, but God does, and He always works out things for good & for His purposes.
This Easter, I am well aware of how God takes away, but I am also thankful for what he gives us.
Last night, on the eve of the 3rd Easter since we lost our tiny baby, Derrick was able to feel the movement of the new baby that God has blessed us with. God has given me a very easy pregnancy this time, a true gift after the hard pregnancy with Dylan in 2008 & the miscarriage in 2011. We feel so thankful for this baby boy who will be joining us this summer. We are grateful that God chose to give us another child. And we are thankful that Mary's Son did not stay dead, but that he came back to life to save us all from eternity in hell away from Him. I am thankful that God is in control, even when we don't understand what He is doing.
And I am thankful for our sweet 4 year old who is already here with us. I will leave you with another Dylan-ism: This morning, Dylan wanted to know all the names of Jesus. I told him that he is called Jesus, God, Son of God. He reminded me about the name Lamb of God. Then I told him that sometimes Jesus is also called Redeemer. Dylan looked at me a minute, then asked me, "Why do they call Jesus a lemur?"
So today, remember to celebrate Jesus the Lemur!...I mean, Jesus the Redeemer!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, August 17, 2012
Dylanisms Part 3
As Dylan is getting older, his use of words makes more sense than it used to. Now he just says hilarious & crazy things. Future Sunday school teachers, look out...I think we've got a class clown on our hands!
* While drinking a glass of water - "Mama, this is pancake juice. I love pancake juice. It's delicious!"
* Dylan: "See my belly button?"
Me: "Yes, what about it?"
Dylan: "It's on my belly."
* Hop-spit-tal = hospital
* While eating pizza: "Mama, can you give me another 'pretend stick'?" Come to find out, he meant BREADstick!
*Bwacamole = Guacamole
* While Derrick was shaking out a rug, Dylan asked him, "Is that your friend?" Derrick answered, "The rug? Is the rug your friend?"
* Stalling going to bed:
Dylan: "Mama, where is my bunny?"
Me: "What bunny?"
Dylan: "The bunny what is blue & has eggs on it. He is soooo cute."
*Stunk = skunk
Oh Dylan. Thanks for bringing constant joy & entertainment into our lives.
* While drinking a glass of water - "Mama, this is pancake juice. I love pancake juice. It's delicious!"
* Dylan: "See my belly button?"
Me: "Yes, what about it?"
Dylan: "It's on my belly."
* Hop-spit-tal = hospital
* While eating pizza: "Mama, can you give me another 'pretend stick'?" Come to find out, he meant BREADstick!
*Bwacamole = Guacamole
* While Derrick was shaking out a rug, Dylan asked him, "Is that your friend?" Derrick answered, "The rug? Is the rug your friend?"
* Stalling going to bed:
Dylan: "Mama, where is my bunny?"
Me: "What bunny?"
Dylan: "The bunny what is blue & has eggs on it. He is soooo cute."
*Stunk = skunk
Oh Dylan. Thanks for bringing constant joy & entertainment into our lives.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Part 1 of the Moving Series: We Made It!
We're here. In our new home in Colorado. Although the trip & apartment situation did not go as smoothly as I had hoped they would, we are here. We are (mostly) settled. We are learning to find our way around the city. We are enjoying family time. I am loving having some peace in my life after a very chaotic last year.
Here's the run-down about our trip:
We (Derrick, Dylan, my mom Denise, & I) left Saturday, February 4th for our 14 hour, 3 day trip to Colorado Springs. Our original plan was to leave around lunch time so Dylan could nap in the car, then we changed our minds & decided to try to go to pancake breakfast at the American Legion & then leave from there. Our plans changed once more after the unexpected death of Derrick's 2nd cousin, who the family was very close to. He passed away on a Wednesday night & the funeral was Saturday morning. We attended his beautiful service & then grabbed some lunch & headed on our way. Derrick's parents were following the next day with the U-Haul trailer & their truck & we were all planning on meeting up in Colorado Springs Monday.
Because we like to do things the difficult way, we decided to leave the day that a major snowstorm was going across Iowa. We had planned to stop in Missouri Valley, IA & visit with our good friends Dave & Jodi & their kids. With the weather in that area, that was just not possible (or very smart). We contacted another friend of mine about staying with them in Kansas City & just taking the southern route to Colorado Springs. She was excited to see us & we were thankful for somewhere to stay. We thought we had it all worked out...and then the flu struck them 2 days before we left. After talking to her on the morning of the 4th, we decided we would still try to meet them for dinner, but that staying at their house probably wasn't the best idea. We told them we would contact them when we were close & we could make plans. We drove across Iowa to Des Moines & then headed south towards Kansas City. The snow wasn't too bad & the roads looked okay. Of course, the one thing we hadn't planned for was the ice. It had been sleeting & had covered the road. As Derrick was driving down the interstate, he hit a spot of ice/snow slush that had built up on the edge of the interstate. The van started to slide & fish tale. I glanced to the right & noticed 2 semis beside & behind us. I had a flash in my mind of "we are all going to die after getting hit by this truck." And I prayed. I couldn't figure out why God would bring us out to the interstate just to be crushed by a semi. After a few minutes of trying to get the van under control, Derrick finally wrestled it back to where it needed to be. My mom, Derrick, & I were terrified, but so thankful that everything was okay.
Dylan had no idea what even happened...he was happily watching a movie. If I had been driving, we would have been done for the day...I would have called it quits. But Derrick, because he is either awesome or crazy, pulled over to a gas station, collected himself, rested a bit, & got us back out on the road. The rest of the trip was uneventful, aside from going a little slower than normal.
Eventually we made it to Kansas City. We contacted our friends Tammy & Joey & their family. It was such a blessing to get to see them. We have talked a few times & keep in touch on facebook, but this is the first time we had seen them in 6 years. Their oldest daughter has grown from an early teenager into a sweet, mature, wonderful young adult. Their middle son is no longer a toddler (he was Dylan's age when we last saw them!), but is now an eight year old boy. Their youngest son was not even born when we saw them last - he is just as sweet & fun as the rest of the family!
The boys had a great time playing that night & had a wonderful time together at their church the following morning. I loved being able to catch up with the family & discussing some possible career leads for Derrick in the future (although it's a bit early to be thinking about that right now!) We had such a good time with them & can't wait to visit with them again soon!
After a quick lunch, we got back on the road. I drove quite a bit of the way across Kansas & the weather was beautiful. We were definitely thankful for the nice weather after the travel conditions the day before. We drove to Oakley, KS & stayed overnight there. We swam in the pool, watched The Voice & got the last good night's sleep for a few days.
Monday we headed back on the road. We figured we would arrive in Colorado Springs between 12 & 1pm. The drive was nice, but honestly, by this point, we were all ready to be out of the car. Dylan had done fantastic & everything had gone pretty smoothly after the rough start on Saturday. We were so excited when we finally got to Colorado! For those of you who have never been to Colorado, the whole state is not covered in mountains like I thought it would be. It looked a lot like Iowa until we got close to Colorado Springs. That was disappointing. They were gorgeous once we got to them though!
After 3 days of driving, we finally arrived in Colorado Springs! We thought things would be all downhill from there. Well, they were; but not in the way we expected. We planned on signing our apartment lease, unloading the van, waiting for Derrick's parents, unloading the U-Haul, returning it, sightseeing. That is not exactly what happened. We showed up at the apartment complex & were told that we couldn't sign the lease yet because the lady had to go show an apartment. We were asked to come back in 15 minutes. We went & got some lunch & came back. There was a sign on the building that they were gone for lunch & would be back. So we waited. Derrick parents arrived. We finally went in to talk to the lady & we seemed to be a burden to her. She took us to see the apartment. It was way smaller than the floor plan indicated. For those who saw our house in Davenport, the apartment was supposed to have more square footage than our main floor did. It was definitely WAY smaller. Our moms saw it & agreed that it just was not going to work. It was also supposed to come furnished with a washer/dryer unit. That was not there. When we asked about it, the lady said it must have been miscommunication, but she could tell us somewhere to rent one. When I told her that we didn't want to rent one because we could have brought our own with us, she didn't really seem to care that much. Since we weren't very impressed with the people there, we decided to take some time & look elsewhere. I may have had a mild panic attack. I didn't want to keep putting Dylan back in the van & moving from place to place. The poor kid had already asked me if one of the hotels was his new house.
Derrick contacted our pastor, who got in touch with a friend in the area who is the maintenance supervisor at an apartment complex. We contacted the complex & found out that they had units available, but that it was too late in the day to show them & that we were welcome to come over in the morning to check them out. So we spent another night in a hotel. I was so worried. There is nothing quite like not knowing where you are going to go with your child. After another evening of swimming, watching the Voice, & restless sleep, we left Dylan with my mom & Derrick's parents to go check out an apartment. As soon as we walked into the office, the feeling was so much better. The lady was so sweet & was apologetic that our other unit hadn't worked out. She showed us an apartment that was awesome, relatively large, & had laundry facilities right outside the door. She ran our background checks around 9:30 in the morning & we were signing paperwork at 1pm.
We LOVE our new apartment! We love it more than we loved our house in Davenport. It is the perfect size, in a safe neighborhood, with quiet neighbors. We don't have our own laundry, but the laundry room is never busy. It's not as convenient of a location as the other complex was, but it has made us branch out & check out the rest of the city. And this is the view from behind our apartment:
Here's the run-down about our trip:
We (Derrick, Dylan, my mom Denise, & I) left Saturday, February 4th for our 14 hour, 3 day trip to Colorado Springs. Our original plan was to leave around lunch time so Dylan could nap in the car, then we changed our minds & decided to try to go to pancake breakfast at the American Legion & then leave from there. Our plans changed once more after the unexpected death of Derrick's 2nd cousin, who the family was very close to. He passed away on a Wednesday night & the funeral was Saturday morning. We attended his beautiful service & then grabbed some lunch & headed on our way. Derrick's parents were following the next day with the U-Haul trailer & their truck & we were all planning on meeting up in Colorado Springs Monday.
Because we like to do things the difficult way, we decided to leave the day that a major snowstorm was going across Iowa. We had planned to stop in Missouri Valley, IA & visit with our good friends Dave & Jodi & their kids. With the weather in that area, that was just not possible (or very smart). We contacted another friend of mine about staying with them in Kansas City & just taking the southern route to Colorado Springs. She was excited to see us & we were thankful for somewhere to stay. We thought we had it all worked out...and then the flu struck them 2 days before we left. After talking to her on the morning of the 4th, we decided we would still try to meet them for dinner, but that staying at their house probably wasn't the best idea. We told them we would contact them when we were close & we could make plans. We drove across Iowa to Des Moines & then headed south towards Kansas City. The snow wasn't too bad & the roads looked okay. Of course, the one thing we hadn't planned for was the ice. It had been sleeting & had covered the road. As Derrick was driving down the interstate, he hit a spot of ice/snow slush that had built up on the edge of the interstate. The van started to slide & fish tale. I glanced to the right & noticed 2 semis beside & behind us. I had a flash in my mind of "we are all going to die after getting hit by this truck." And I prayed. I couldn't figure out why God would bring us out to the interstate just to be crushed by a semi. After a few minutes of trying to get the van under control, Derrick finally wrestled it back to where it needed to be. My mom, Derrick, & I were terrified, but so thankful that everything was okay.
 |
| Dylan watching a movie. Such a good traveler! |
Dylan had no idea what even happened...he was happily watching a movie. If I had been driving, we would have been done for the day...I would have called it quits. But Derrick, because he is either awesome or crazy, pulled over to a gas station, collected himself, rested a bit, & got us back out on the road. The rest of the trip was uneventful, aside from going a little slower than normal.
Eventually we made it to Kansas City. We contacted our friends Tammy & Joey & their family. It was such a blessing to get to see them. We have talked a few times & keep in touch on facebook, but this is the first time we had seen them in 6 years. Their oldest daughter has grown from an early teenager into a sweet, mature, wonderful young adult. Their middle son is no longer a toddler (he was Dylan's age when we last saw them!), but is now an eight year old boy. Their youngest son was not even born when we saw them last - he is just as sweet & fun as the rest of the family!
 |
| Amadeus, Dylan, & Amaziah playing in the fort they built |
After a quick lunch, we got back on the road. I drove quite a bit of the way across Kansas & the weather was beautiful. We were definitely thankful for the nice weather after the travel conditions the day before. We drove to Oakley, KS & stayed overnight there. We swam in the pool, watched The Voice & got the last good night's sleep for a few days.
 |
| Us at the Colorado border! |
After 3 days of driving, we finally arrived in Colorado Springs! We thought things would be all downhill from there. Well, they were; but not in the way we expected. We planned on signing our apartment lease, unloading the van, waiting for Derrick's parents, unloading the U-Haul, returning it, sightseeing. That is not exactly what happened. We showed up at the apartment complex & were told that we couldn't sign the lease yet because the lady had to go show an apartment. We were asked to come back in 15 minutes. We went & got some lunch & came back. There was a sign on the building that they were gone for lunch & would be back. So we waited. Derrick parents arrived. We finally went in to talk to the lady & we seemed to be a burden to her. She took us to see the apartment. It was way smaller than the floor plan indicated. For those who saw our house in Davenport, the apartment was supposed to have more square footage than our main floor did. It was definitely WAY smaller. Our moms saw it & agreed that it just was not going to work. It was also supposed to come furnished with a washer/dryer unit. That was not there. When we asked about it, the lady said it must have been miscommunication, but she could tell us somewhere to rent one. When I told her that we didn't want to rent one because we could have brought our own with us, she didn't really seem to care that much. Since we weren't very impressed with the people there, we decided to take some time & look elsewhere. I may have had a mild panic attack. I didn't want to keep putting Dylan back in the van & moving from place to place. The poor kid had already asked me if one of the hotels was his new house.
Derrick contacted our pastor, who got in touch with a friend in the area who is the maintenance supervisor at an apartment complex. We contacted the complex & found out that they had units available, but that it was too late in the day to show them & that we were welcome to come over in the morning to check them out. So we spent another night in a hotel. I was so worried. There is nothing quite like not knowing where you are going to go with your child. After another evening of swimming, watching the Voice, & restless sleep, we left Dylan with my mom & Derrick's parents to go check out an apartment. As soon as we walked into the office, the feeling was so much better. The lady was so sweet & was apologetic that our other unit hadn't worked out. She showed us an apartment that was awesome, relatively large, & had laundry facilities right outside the door. She ran our background checks around 9:30 in the morning & we were signing paperwork at 1pm.
We LOVE our new apartment! We love it more than we loved our house in Davenport. It is the perfect size, in a safe neighborhood, with quiet neighbors. We don't have our own laundry, but the laundry room is never busy. It's not as convenient of a location as the other complex was, but it has made us branch out & check out the rest of the city. And this is the view from behind our apartment:
Doesn't really get much better than that.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Letting God Prepare the Way
So overall, I am very excited for our move. I am loving the idea of a 1 story, first floor apartment instead of our house with a basement laundry room. No more stairs...yes, please! I am super excited about the gym & pool on site (no more paying for a gym membership). Dylan & Casey will be super excited about the playground & dog park at the apartment complex. Derrick loves that our apartment is only a 5-10 minute walk to the college, where he will also be working. Derrick & I both love that the apartment complex is a gated community, where I can feel safe while Derrick is gone at work & class a lot. And really, who wouldn't love this view?
(Photo courtesy of http://www.facebook.com/NBCStudents)
But then I start thinking. And thinking gets me in trouble. The things that most commonly comes through my mind are, "How am I going to be able to do this without my mom?" followed by, "How can I do this without my best friend Amy?" Sunday at church I had a little breakdown. I was listening to the worship team, realizing this would be one of the last times I would be here listening to them & I lost it. I excused myself & went to the bathroom to get some tissues (& some self-control). And there I found out how God plans things out, even to the smallest detail. Standing in the bathroom were my friend Lindsay & a lady named D'Lee. Both of these ladies understand what I am going through. D'Lee has moved several times, generally not knowing anyone when she arrived. Lindsay moved from Nashville to Davenport 3 years ago with her tiny baby & her husband so he could attend school. They are now preparing to move to Washington state for him to join his dad's Chiro practice. If 2 ladies know what I am going through, it would be them! They both told me that while moving is hard, God has always provided a wonderful church family & dear friends in every place that they have lived. They got me calmed down & while I am still a little bit of an emotional wreck, I know that God is preparing the way for us. Just as He sent 2 wonderful ladies ahead of me to comfort me (even if they didn't know they were going to be used for that when they went to the bathroom), I know He is preparing the right friends for me in Colorado Springs (and He is preparing me to be the friend that they need!) He didn't allow me to cry alone in the church bathroom - I know He won't allow me to go through this relocation alone.
If this move is God's will for us (& we believe it is), then we know that He will prepare the way before us. He will provide us with what we need, whether it be financially, physically, or in my case, emotionally. As I am writing this, one of my favorite songs, Stronger, by Mandisa, came across my YouTube page. This song has gotten me through this very emotionally draining year that we've had. I was trying to figure out how to end this blog & then I heard this song. I'll leave you with the video & the lyrics to my favorite part of the song.
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/stronger_lyrics_mandisa.html
All about Mandisa: http://www.musictory.com/music/Mandisa
If this move is God's will for us (& we believe it is), then we know that He will prepare the way before us. He will provide us with what we need, whether it be financially, physically, or in my case, emotionally. As I am writing this, one of my favorite songs, Stronger, by Mandisa, came across my YouTube page. This song has gotten me through this very emotionally draining year that we've had. I was trying to figure out how to end this blog & then I heard this song. I'll leave you with the video & the lyrics to my favorite part of the song.
Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares
'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/stronger_lyrics_mandisa.html
All about Mandisa: http://www.musictory.com/music/Mandisa
Monday, January 23, 2012
What a Difference a Year Makes
When I named by blog "Content in the Chaos," it was because I was in the midst of dealing with a toddler, we were foster parenting, we were volunteering at church & things were just overall a little nuts. I assumed CHAOS was a great word for what was going on in our lives then. Apparently it was also some foresight into what the last year has been like for us & what the future holds.
This year has been full of ups & downs. In January of last year, we found out that we had miscarried our very much prayed for second baby. I had been having some spotting & was nervous about what that meant. Upon an ultrasound at the doctor's office, my worst fears were coming true. I was miscarrying. What had actually happened is that while the amniotic sac was there, there was no baby. I ended up having a D&C done. That was heartbreaking, but we were able to conceive again in February. We were thrilled! We went in for a routine check in April. As we pulled into the parking lot at the doctor's office, I told Derrick that I was really, really worried. He thought I was being kind of paranoid (which wasn't a bad assessment - I tend to get a little jumpy sometimes). I told him that I just really had a bad feeling about things. We went in for the ultrasound & there was our baby...but there was no movement & no heartbeat. We did a recheck a week later & there was no change. I should have been 11 weeks, but instead, the baby was measuring 8.5. I ended up having a second D&C done on April 21st.
On April 25th, we were called to become foster parents to a 3 month old boy (baby A) with some special needs. I can't say a lot about that situation, other than that he was with us from April 25th until December 25th. We fully intended to keep him until he either went back home or until we adopted him, but as he grew, we realized that his special needs were not something we could handle long term. In hindsight, we never should have taken Baby A in when we did. I had not allowed myself the time I needed to grieve the loss of my baby before taking on the responsibility of another baby. We gave notice to his social worker that we would not be able to adopt him, but that we would love to keep him until another perfect family came along. I can tell you today that he has now been placed with another family & that they are a much better fit for him than we were. They are completely in love with him & hope to get to adopt him soon!
The time from the D&C in April & July or August were terrible. I did not handle that miscarriage & surgery well. I had a ton of guilt regarding meds that I had taken for a high, high fever & I was depressed that my baby was gone. I was overwhelmed by taking care of a hyper toddler & a special needs infant. I was failing in communicating with my husband. I felt like I had no one to turn to. My heart was broken for so many reasons & I felt myself spiraling farther & farther into depression. I got up every day mostly because I knew I had to feed & dress kids. One night I finally broke down. In the middle of an argument with Derrick about something completely different, I dumped all of my built up emotions out there. He had no idea how I was feeling or that I was still grieving desperately for our baby. He had grieved & moved on & had assumed I had, too. That was the turning point in our relationship this year. We both realized how little we were communicating with each other & began working to change it. Things are still not perfect, but they are much better!
In October we celebrated our sweet Dylan's 3rd birthday! How he is 3, I don't know. He is a ball of energy, emotion, & humor. He is a wild man, but so sweet & adorable that it makes up for some of the crazy. We still feel so blessed that he is so healthy, smart & normal! Every year I think about how he could have many, many problems or worse, that he could not be here for us to enjoy every day. We feel so thankful to have him!
Then, at the end of October, we started preparing for our newest adventure - our move to Colorado Springs for Derrick to attend Bible College & complete his Pastoral Ministries degree. While it is exciting, it is also terrifying & emotionally draining. We are ready to be there, but are afraid to leave here.
This year has been one of the most emotionally draining & crazy ones I have every had. The goods have been extremely good & the bads have been extremely bad. I have learned to rely more on God, more on my husband, & more on myself. Derrick & I have learned to lean on each other in the face of adversity instead of pulling away from each other & trying to deal with situations alone. We have seen God provide in ways that we do not understand & could not have planned for ourselves.
What's in store for the upcoming year? A big move to another state. New ministry opportunities. A new job for Derrick. More college classes for Derrick (and possibly me). For sure, lots of blessings from God as long as we continue to seek Him & His will for us!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:11-13
This year has been full of ups & downs. In January of last year, we found out that we had miscarried our very much prayed for second baby. I had been having some spotting & was nervous about what that meant. Upon an ultrasound at the doctor's office, my worst fears were coming true. I was miscarrying. What had actually happened is that while the amniotic sac was there, there was no baby. I ended up having a D&C done. That was heartbreaking, but we were able to conceive again in February. We were thrilled! We went in for a routine check in April. As we pulled into the parking lot at the doctor's office, I told Derrick that I was really, really worried. He thought I was being kind of paranoid (which wasn't a bad assessment - I tend to get a little jumpy sometimes). I told him that I just really had a bad feeling about things. We went in for the ultrasound & there was our baby...but there was no movement & no heartbeat. We did a recheck a week later & there was no change. I should have been 11 weeks, but instead, the baby was measuring 8.5. I ended up having a second D&C done on April 21st.
On April 25th, we were called to become foster parents to a 3 month old boy (baby A) with some special needs. I can't say a lot about that situation, other than that he was with us from April 25th until December 25th. We fully intended to keep him until he either went back home or until we adopted him, but as he grew, we realized that his special needs were not something we could handle long term. In hindsight, we never should have taken Baby A in when we did. I had not allowed myself the time I needed to grieve the loss of my baby before taking on the responsibility of another baby. We gave notice to his social worker that we would not be able to adopt him, but that we would love to keep him until another perfect family came along. I can tell you today that he has now been placed with another family & that they are a much better fit for him than we were. They are completely in love with him & hope to get to adopt him soon!
The time from the D&C in April & July or August were terrible. I did not handle that miscarriage & surgery well. I had a ton of guilt regarding meds that I had taken for a high, high fever & I was depressed that my baby was gone. I was overwhelmed by taking care of a hyper toddler & a special needs infant. I was failing in communicating with my husband. I felt like I had no one to turn to. My heart was broken for so many reasons & I felt myself spiraling farther & farther into depression. I got up every day mostly because I knew I had to feed & dress kids. One night I finally broke down. In the middle of an argument with Derrick about something completely different, I dumped all of my built up emotions out there. He had no idea how I was feeling or that I was still grieving desperately for our baby. He had grieved & moved on & had assumed I had, too. That was the turning point in our relationship this year. We both realized how little we were communicating with each other & began working to change it. Things are still not perfect, but they are much better!
In October we celebrated our sweet Dylan's 3rd birthday! How he is 3, I don't know. He is a ball of energy, emotion, & humor. He is a wild man, but so sweet & adorable that it makes up for some of the crazy. We still feel so blessed that he is so healthy, smart & normal! Every year I think about how he could have many, many problems or worse, that he could not be here for us to enjoy every day. We feel so thankful to have him!
Then, at the end of October, we started preparing for our newest adventure - our move to Colorado Springs for Derrick to attend Bible College & complete his Pastoral Ministries degree. While it is exciting, it is also terrifying & emotionally draining. We are ready to be there, but are afraid to leave here.
This year has been one of the most emotionally draining & crazy ones I have every had. The goods have been extremely good & the bads have been extremely bad. I have learned to rely more on God, more on my husband, & more on myself. Derrick & I have learned to lean on each other in the face of adversity instead of pulling away from each other & trying to deal with situations alone. We have seen God provide in ways that we do not understand & could not have planned for ourselves.
What's in store for the upcoming year? A big move to another state. New ministry opportunities. A new job for Derrick. More college classes for Derrick (and possibly me). For sure, lots of blessings from God as long as we continue to seek Him & His will for us!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:11-13
Monday, December 12, 2011
"When did love become unmoving?"
That is what Derrick & I have been asking ourselves over the past month. For us, we have decided that love is not unmoving - that's why we are moving to Colorado Springs in February in order for Derrick to go back to school.
Some readers have known Derrick & I forever, some of you may have only met us recently. Some of you may not even know my fantastic husband. Here's a background story of our life to get you up to date:
Derrick & I met when I was 14 & he had just turned 18. I had just started attending the First Church in the Nazarene in Davenport. We quickly became best friends & spent tons of time together. Even when we were dating other people, we always seemed to be drawn back together. In May of 2001, we began officially dating. We got engaged in May 2002. I was junior in high school & Derrick was getting ready to head to Vennard College in the fall to pursue a degree in pastoral ministries. He had felt that God was calling him to go into full time Christian ministry & VC was a great place to go to get an education for that. When Derrick was finishing up that semester at VC, his National Guard unit was called up to head to Afghanistan. Because of a strange accident (God?), Derrick was injured while getting a truck ready to ship out & broke 2 toes. Broken bones equal no deployment, so he was put on "home fort" duty & was able to stay home. It was too late in the semester to head back to school, so Derrick stayed in Davenport & got a job. I finished up my senior year in high school & prepped to head to VC in the fall. We were also planning our wedding for the following year, in May 2004
I headed to VC in August 2003 to get my degree in elementary education. Derrick had not signed up for another semester. When I got there, the admissions officer said that if Derrick was still interested, they would be able to get him in. I called him & he (reluctantly) came to Vennard & took another semester's worth of classes. He decided to not pursue the pastoral ministries degree & instead began taking courses for computer science. He ended up transferring to William Penn University, taking another semester off, going back, and finally finishing his degree. I ended up switching degrees from elementary ed to psychology, but still completed my degree in just over 4 years.
When Derrick & I married in May 2004, we didn't really know what we wanted to do with our lives. We were both finishing up school. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom. We wanted to be foster parents. Derrick wanted to work with computers. We wanted to have a few kids, get a little house, volunteer at the church & work our normal jobs. And that is what we have been doing for the past 7 years. But now, it's time for a change.
That's the background - here's the update to the story:
About a month ago, my best friend Amy approached Derrick one Wednesday night about singing a special at church the following Sunday. He does this on occasion, so he agreed without listening to the song. We had never heard of the song, but we knew of the band. When we got home from church that night & got the boys wrangled into bed, I was off doing some emails (okay, probably checking facebook...) & Derrick was doing some work in the kitchen & was listening to the new song (You Can Have Me) on his phone. All of the sudden I heard a strange sound from the kitchen. When I went to see what was going on, I found Derrick listening to his song & sobbing. Anyone who knows Derrick & I at all knows that I am a crier...Derrick is not.
I hugged him for a long time & he finally said, "I think we need to talk." My paranoia kicked in right away - my first assumption was that he was having/had had an affair. My second was that he had gotten fired & didn't want to tell me. (Cause honestly, ladies, what would you assume if your crying husband said that you needed to talk?) Turns out it was neither of those things.
Derrick told me that he had been feeling God pulling him back towards finishing the degree he had started in 2001. Without me knowing, he had texted our pastor to pray for him about some decisions he needed to make & had been fasting & praying about what to do next. He asked God for a sign that this was really what he was supposed to be doing. After hearing the song, he knew what he was supposed to do. He knew God was reminding him of the call he had put on his life & that it was time to follow through with what God wanted him to do.
I have been asked by a lot of people what I think about all of this. For me, there was really no hesitation. When we got engaged, Derrick was planning on becoming a pastor. That was what I had signed up for. It is scary, but Derrick & I have adopted You Can Have Me as our theme song to encourage us to keep pushing forward through these changes.
As we discussed it some more, we started talking about schools. Should we stay here & Derrick can just go online? Should we move so he can take classes on campus? If we move, where should we go? After talking to our pastor & our good friend Dave, we settled on Nazarene Bible College (NBC) in Colorado Springs, CO. We were very torn about if we should move or stay. Ultimately it came down to me feeling like I could not be involved in the process if Derrick was just attending school online.
Since we have decided to move, we have seen God working in ways we have never imagined. Upon checking out the NBC website, we saw that they were hiring for a PHP Programmer...the exact thing that Derrick does at his current job. They were willing to be flexible about when we come because we have some loose ends to finish up here & because we were looking for housing out there. Housing has also opened up for us at the Windmill Apartments & we are able to move into an apartment on February 7th in the complex that we wanted to be in. It's gated, with a playground & dog park, and it is a 10 minute walk from the college. Our next major hurdle is selling our house in Davenport. Be in prayer that our house will sell quickly - also, if you or anyone you know is looking to buy a cute, small, 2 bedroom house in Davenport, let me know!
We are super excited about starting this next journey in our lives. I am also so proud of my husband for following through with God's plan for his life. I know that it has been a difficult decision, but I know that the benefits far outweigh the downfalls. Please be in prayer for us & our extended family as we go through this transition time. We know that God is going to do BIG things as long as we continue to follow his plans for us!
Some readers have known Derrick & I forever, some of you may have only met us recently. Some of you may not even know my fantastic husband. Here's a background story of our life to get you up to date:
Derrick & I met when I was 14 & he had just turned 18. I had just started attending the First Church in the Nazarene in Davenport. We quickly became best friends & spent tons of time together. Even when we were dating other people, we always seemed to be drawn back together. In May of 2001, we began officially dating. We got engaged in May 2002. I was junior in high school & Derrick was getting ready to head to Vennard College in the fall to pursue a degree in pastoral ministries. He had felt that God was calling him to go into full time Christian ministry & VC was a great place to go to get an education for that. When Derrick was finishing up that semester at VC, his National Guard unit was called up to head to Afghanistan. Because of a strange accident (God?), Derrick was injured while getting a truck ready to ship out & broke 2 toes. Broken bones equal no deployment, so he was put on "home fort" duty & was able to stay home. It was too late in the semester to head back to school, so Derrick stayed in Davenport & got a job. I finished up my senior year in high school & prepped to head to VC in the fall. We were also planning our wedding for the following year, in May 2004
I headed to VC in August 2003 to get my degree in elementary education. Derrick had not signed up for another semester. When I got there, the admissions officer said that if Derrick was still interested, they would be able to get him in. I called him & he (reluctantly) came to Vennard & took another semester's worth of classes. He decided to not pursue the pastoral ministries degree & instead began taking courses for computer science. He ended up transferring to William Penn University, taking another semester off, going back, and finally finishing his degree. I ended up switching degrees from elementary ed to psychology, but still completed my degree in just over 4 years.
When Derrick & I married in May 2004, we didn't really know what we wanted to do with our lives. We were both finishing up school. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom. We wanted to be foster parents. Derrick wanted to work with computers. We wanted to have a few kids, get a little house, volunteer at the church & work our normal jobs. And that is what we have been doing for the past 7 years. But now, it's time for a change.
That's the background - here's the update to the story:
About a month ago, my best friend Amy approached Derrick one Wednesday night about singing a special at church the following Sunday. He does this on occasion, so he agreed without listening to the song. We had never heard of the song, but we knew of the band. When we got home from church that night & got the boys wrangled into bed, I was off doing some emails (okay, probably checking facebook...) & Derrick was doing some work in the kitchen & was listening to the new song (You Can Have Me) on his phone. All of the sudden I heard a strange sound from the kitchen. When I went to see what was going on, I found Derrick listening to his song & sobbing. Anyone who knows Derrick & I at all knows that I am a crier...Derrick is not.
I hugged him for a long time & he finally said, "I think we need to talk." My paranoia kicked in right away - my first assumption was that he was having/had had an affair. My second was that he had gotten fired & didn't want to tell me. (Cause honestly, ladies, what would you assume if your crying husband said that you needed to talk?) Turns out it was neither of those things.
Derrick told me that he had been feeling God pulling him back towards finishing the degree he had started in 2001. Without me knowing, he had texted our pastor to pray for him about some decisions he needed to make & had been fasting & praying about what to do next. He asked God for a sign that this was really what he was supposed to be doing. After hearing the song, he knew what he was supposed to do. He knew God was reminding him of the call he had put on his life & that it was time to follow through with what God wanted him to do.
I have been asked by a lot of people what I think about all of this. For me, there was really no hesitation. When we got engaged, Derrick was planning on becoming a pastor. That was what I had signed up for. It is scary, but Derrick & I have adopted You Can Have Me as our theme song to encourage us to keep pushing forward through these changes.
As we discussed it some more, we started talking about schools. Should we stay here & Derrick can just go online? Should we move so he can take classes on campus? If we move, where should we go? After talking to our pastor & our good friend Dave, we settled on Nazarene Bible College (NBC) in Colorado Springs, CO. We were very torn about if we should move or stay. Ultimately it came down to me feeling like I could not be involved in the process if Derrick was just attending school online.
Since we have decided to move, we have seen God working in ways we have never imagined. Upon checking out the NBC website, we saw that they were hiring for a PHP Programmer...the exact thing that Derrick does at his current job. They were willing to be flexible about when we come because we have some loose ends to finish up here & because we were looking for housing out there. Housing has also opened up for us at the Windmill Apartments & we are able to move into an apartment on February 7th in the complex that we wanted to be in. It's gated, with a playground & dog park, and it is a 10 minute walk from the college. Our next major hurdle is selling our house in Davenport. Be in prayer that our house will sell quickly - also, if you or anyone you know is looking to buy a cute, small, 2 bedroom house in Davenport, let me know!
We are super excited about starting this next journey in our lives. I am also so proud of my husband for following through with God's plan for his life. I know that it has been a difficult decision, but I know that the benefits far outweigh the downfalls. Please be in prayer for us & our extended family as we go through this transition time. We know that God is going to do BIG things as long as we continue to follow his plans for us!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Family Changes
For a while now, I have been wanting to share some parts of my life that are changing. Unfortunately, I can't share about all the changes today, but I can start by sharing one part.
Since before Derrick & I got married, I knew that I wanted a houseful of kids. Growing up as an only child with no cousins close by makes for a lonely time. I have always loved kids & knew that I wanted to do something to help those who need it. Once Derrick & I moved back to Davenport & got settled, we decided to become foster parents. We had seen our Pastor & his wife foster lots of children during their time at our church (mostly teenage girls - yikes!) & we saw the difference they were making in their lives. We wanted to do the same. We went through the classes & the home study & once we were approved, 2 little boys were placed in our home. About the same time, we found out I was pregnant with Dylan.
B (age 7) & J (age 6) stayed with us about 3 months. They were rowdy & wild & caused all sorts of trouble. But they were also sweet, loving & adorable. They left us in August of 2008 & have since been adopted by an awesome family who loves them despite all their difficulties. They are doing fantastic & are growing into wonderful young men.
After Dylan was born so early, we took about a year off from fostering. We did some respite care, but that was about it. We thought about letting our licence expire, but ultimately decided to renew it. Not long after we renewed, we were blessed with Baby Kota in April 2009. He was a sweet little guy & we thought he might be an adoption placement, but his parents got it together (& we are so proud of them!) & he was able to go home to them in July 2009. He now lives with his dad & is doing great!
Following him, D (age 2) came to live with us. He had some severe disabilities & lots of medical needs that we couldn't handle, so he was only with us for 10 days. We still believe that the placement worker either didn't know the extent of his disabilities or she purposefully didn't tell us all of them in order to have somewhere to place him. We felt bad that we had agreed to take him & then had to have him moved so quickly, but I think that never would have happened if she had given us the whole story from the start.
Most recently we have baby A. He came to us in April 2011 at 3 months old with some delays & has been increasingly improving since. He has some brain damage that may or may not repair itself, but he is making big strides. We were hoping that he's situation would be resolved so he could go home soon, but I am not sure if that is going to happen too quickly.
Here is where the change comes in: For several reason, Derrick & I have decided not to renew our foster licence this year. More details will be shared about the reasons at a later time, but no, we are not getting divorced & no, I am not pregnant. We are excited to just be our little family of 3 again for a while, but it will be sad to not have those extra sweet little faces around the house. This week we started weeding through our foster care clothing. What to save, what to sell, what to give away. We started talking about taking down the crib & putting away the baby items. While I know this is the right move for our family, it is still hard to be closing that chapter of our lives.
Baby A will continue to live with us until mid to late December, then he will be moving, either to a family member or to another foster home. He has been with us for 7 months - the longest of any foster child we have had - so we are hoping to still be able to be in contact with him.
We know foster parents are very much needed in our area & we have been BLESSED by the joy these kids have brought into our lives. We may come back to fostering in the future, but right now we are feeling a release from that part of our lives. If you are interested in fostering & live in the Iowa Quad Cities, let me know & I can get you more info. Otherwise, www.iakids.org has a lot of good information about becoming a foster parent. Sometimes fostering is the most difficult thing in the world...but it is still a huge blessing! We are thankful for the time God gave us in that ministry & are excited to see where He is taking us next!
Since before Derrick & I got married, I knew that I wanted a houseful of kids. Growing up as an only child with no cousins close by makes for a lonely time. I have always loved kids & knew that I wanted to do something to help those who need it. Once Derrick & I moved back to Davenport & got settled, we decided to become foster parents. We had seen our Pastor & his wife foster lots of children during their time at our church (mostly teenage girls - yikes!) & we saw the difference they were making in their lives. We wanted to do the same. We went through the classes & the home study & once we were approved, 2 little boys were placed in our home. About the same time, we found out I was pregnant with Dylan.
B (age 7) & J (age 6) stayed with us about 3 months. They were rowdy & wild & caused all sorts of trouble. But they were also sweet, loving & adorable. They left us in August of 2008 & have since been adopted by an awesome family who loves them despite all their difficulties. They are doing fantastic & are growing into wonderful young men.
After Dylan was born so early, we took about a year off from fostering. We did some respite care, but that was about it. We thought about letting our licence expire, but ultimately decided to renew it. Not long after we renewed, we were blessed with Baby Kota in April 2009. He was a sweet little guy & we thought he might be an adoption placement, but his parents got it together (& we are so proud of them!) & he was able to go home to them in July 2009. He now lives with his dad & is doing great!
Following him, D (age 2) came to live with us. He had some severe disabilities & lots of medical needs that we couldn't handle, so he was only with us for 10 days. We still believe that the placement worker either didn't know the extent of his disabilities or she purposefully didn't tell us all of them in order to have somewhere to place him. We felt bad that we had agreed to take him & then had to have him moved so quickly, but I think that never would have happened if she had given us the whole story from the start.
Most recently we have baby A. He came to us in April 2011 at 3 months old with some delays & has been increasingly improving since. He has some brain damage that may or may not repair itself, but he is making big strides. We were hoping that he's situation would be resolved so he could go home soon, but I am not sure if that is going to happen too quickly.
Here is where the change comes in: For several reason, Derrick & I have decided not to renew our foster licence this year. More details will be shared about the reasons at a later time, but no, we are not getting divorced & no, I am not pregnant. We are excited to just be our little family of 3 again for a while, but it will be sad to not have those extra sweet little faces around the house. This week we started weeding through our foster care clothing. What to save, what to sell, what to give away. We started talking about taking down the crib & putting away the baby items. While I know this is the right move for our family, it is still hard to be closing that chapter of our lives.
Baby A will continue to live with us until mid to late December, then he will be moving, either to a family member or to another foster home. He has been with us for 7 months - the longest of any foster child we have had - so we are hoping to still be able to be in contact with him.
We know foster parents are very much needed in our area & we have been BLESSED by the joy these kids have brought into our lives. We may come back to fostering in the future, but right now we are feeling a release from that part of our lives. If you are interested in fostering & live in the Iowa Quad Cities, let me know & I can get you more info. Otherwise, www.iakids.org has a lot of good information about becoming a foster parent. Sometimes fostering is the most difficult thing in the world...but it is still a huge blessing! We are thankful for the time God gave us in that ministry & are excited to see where He is taking us next!
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