D&C Follow-Up - April 2011

I want to thank everyone who has been praying for us over the last few days. We have felt your prayers & they have been an encouragement to us. It is a blessing to know that we are loved as we move through this phase in our lives. 

Surgery went pretty well yesterday. No major problems, but I had a much harder recovery than I expected. I feel much better today & was even able to go to work (a good thing since there were several things to finish up for the Good Friday service tonight). I am honestly feeling physically better than I have in weeks. Emotionally, I am still hurting & a little sensitive about things, but that's also somewhat normal (just ask my husband). 

We think we have decided on a name for this little one. Since we weren't able to find out gender & I don't want to get to heaven someday to have my baby say, "Mom, why did you name me a boy/girl name when I am a girl/boy?" we decided that we would try to find a gender neutral name. For anyone who knows me well, you know that this was a struggle. I love strong boy names & cute girl names & can't really figure out how to make them overlap. Derrick finally suggested Alex. That was a name I hadn't thought about, but it's a good one. Some of you might think it's a little weird to name this baby, but I think it will bring some healing & closure for us. 

We're through the surgery & recovery, but as I learned last time, sometimes the pain of the loss comes when you least expect it. Please continue to pray for us. I appreicate all of you so much for all your support & love!

Miscarriage - April 2011

My heart hurts as I write this. Tomorrow, April 21st, 2011, I will be going in for another D&C. We found out in February that following my D&C in January, we were expecting again. We were so excited & things seemed to be going well. No problems that we noticed, no nagging feeling to be prepared for the worst, only excitement (and a little nervousness following the previous pregnancy).

We went to the doctor on April 11th for a routine ultrasound & 10 week doctor's appointment. On the ultrasound, there was our baby. Looking back, although the u/s tech didn't say anything at first, I think she knew right away something was wrong. She took some pictures, & then zoomed in on our baby. No heartbeat. Measuring 8 weeks & 5 days. We got some precious pictures of our tiny baby. We decided to check one more time for a heartbeat the following week, knowing that sometimes things get missed & knowing that God can do miracles if he choses. We went back yesterday & there was no change. After talking to the doctor, we decided another D&C was the best option for us since my body is not miscarrying the way it should.

I am angry, as I am sure everyone understands. I cry out to God often, “Why, God? Why my baby? My is my baby dead?” I don't understand it & I am sure God understands my anger. My heart is broken over the loss of my baby that I will never get to hold & won't get to meet until I get to heaven. I hold it together pretty well in public, but by myself, I am a mess.

This is not what I saw for my life. I thought we'd have several little ones, close to the same age to all grow up together. I never expected to have problems getting pregnant, carrying a baby to term, or staying pregnant. I suppose no one sees that for their life though. My heart hurts because I know how much we want another baby & it feels like it will never happen.

So now what? We're going in at 9 am to prep for a 11 am surgery. We're working on picking a name to refer to this little one as. I am hoping the doctor will be able to tell us the gender, but I don't know. Not sure where we go after the surgery is over. Probably taking a break for a while as we regroup & decide what our next step is. Try for another biological child? Just wait for foster kids? Pursue an adoption? I don't know.

But then my sweet boy wakes up & I realize how blessed I am. He makes me smile & is so precious. He is smart & wonderful & a true testiment to how good God really is. If we never have another child, we know that we are lucky to be blessed with our preemie miracle.

Be praying for us. Derrick is doing a great job of being strong for me, but I know he is hurting, too. Pray for health & safety for me tomorrow. Pray that Dylan doesn't cause too much trouble for the sitter & Grandma Denise tomorrow ;) More than anything, pray that God will heal us, both physically & emotionally, & guide us in what to do next.

Thanks for all your support, love, & prayers.