When I named by blog "Content in the Chaos," it was because I was in the midst of dealing with a toddler, we were foster parenting, we were volunteering at church & things were just overall a little nuts. I assumed CHAOS was a great word for what was going on in our lives then. Apparently it was also some foresight into what the last year has been like for us & what the future holds.
This year has been full of ups & downs. In January of last year, we found out that we had miscarried our very much prayed for second baby. I had been having some spotting & was nervous about what that meant. Upon an ultrasound at the doctor's office, my worst fears were coming true. I was miscarrying. What had actually happened is that while the amniotic sac was there, there was no baby. I ended up having a D&C done. That was heartbreaking, but we were able to conceive again in February. We were thrilled! We went in for a routine check in April. As we pulled into the parking lot at the doctor's office, I told Derrick that I was really, really worried. He thought I was being kind of paranoid (which wasn't a bad assessment - I tend to get a little jumpy sometimes). I told him that I just really had a bad feeling about things. We went in for the ultrasound & there was our baby...but there was no movement & no heartbeat. We did a recheck a week later & there was no change. I should have been 11 weeks, but instead, the baby was measuring 8.5. I ended up having a second D&C done on April 21st.
On April 25th, we were called to become foster parents to a 3 month old boy (baby A) with some special needs. I can't say a lot about that situation, other than that he was with us from April 25th until December 25th. We fully intended to keep him until he either went back home or until we adopted him, but as he grew, we realized that his special needs were not something we could handle long term. In hindsight, we never should have taken Baby A in when we did. I had not allowed myself the time I needed to grieve the loss of my baby before taking on the responsibility of another baby. We gave notice to his social worker that we would not be able to adopt him, but that we would love to keep him until another perfect family came along. I can tell you today that he has now been placed with another family & that they are a much better fit for him than we were. They are completely in love with him & hope to get to adopt him soon!
The time from the D&C in April & July or August were terrible. I did not handle that miscarriage & surgery well. I had a ton of guilt regarding meds that I had taken for a high, high fever & I was depressed that my baby was gone. I was overwhelmed by taking care of a hyper toddler & a special needs infant. I was failing in communicating with my husband. I felt like I had no one to turn to. My heart was broken for so many reasons & I felt myself spiraling farther & farther into depression. I got up every day mostly because I knew I had to feed & dress kids. One night I finally broke down. In the middle of an argument with Derrick about something completely different, I dumped all of my built up emotions out there. He had no idea how I was feeling or that I was still grieving desperately for our baby. He had grieved & moved on & had assumed I had, too. That was the turning point in our relationship this year. We both realized how little we were communicating with each other & began working to change it. Things are still not perfect, but they are much better!
In October we celebrated our sweet Dylan's 3rd birthday! How he is 3, I don't know. He is a ball of energy, emotion, & humor. He is a wild man, but so sweet & adorable that it makes up for some of the crazy. We still feel so blessed that he is so healthy, smart & normal! Every year I think about how he could have many, many problems or worse, that he could not be here for us to enjoy every day. We feel so thankful to have him!
Then, at the end of October, we started preparing for our newest adventure - our move to Colorado Springs for Derrick to attend Bible College & complete his Pastoral Ministries degree. While it is exciting, it is also terrifying & emotionally draining. We are ready to be there, but are afraid to leave here.
This year has been one of the most emotionally draining & crazy ones I have every had. The goods have been extremely good & the bads have been extremely bad. I have learned to rely more on God, more on my husband, & more on myself. Derrick & I have learned to lean on each other in the face of adversity instead of pulling away from each other & trying to deal with situations alone. We have seen God provide in ways that we do not understand & could not have planned for ourselves.
What's in store for the upcoming year? A big move to another state. New ministry opportunities. A new job for Derrick. More college classes for Derrick (and possibly me). For sure, lots of blessings from God as long as we continue to seek Him & His will for us!
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:11-13
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