I wasn't going to share this with everyone, but after thinking about it a while & remembering how therapeutic it was when Dylan was in the hospital, I've decided I need to blog.
On November 30, Derrick & I were thrilled to find out that we were expecting our second child. We had been hoping for another baby for many months & could not have been more excited about that positive pregnancy test. The pregnancy seemed to be going really well. No morning sickness, but I didn't have any with Dylan either. Starving, always having to pee, emotional. All the joys that come along with a pregnancy. Honestly, I didn't care. I was thrilled to even be pregnant.
Even though I was so excited to be pregnant, there was a nagging feeling saying, “Renee, don't get too attached. You need to prepare yourself.” I told both Derrick & Amy that I was feeling this way, but we all kind of chalked it up to just being nervous about this second pregnancy. The pregnancy continued to go on well. I had a tiny bit of pink spotting one evening, but nothing unusual for early in a pregnancy. We saw a nurse on December 21st to fill out paperwork & get all ready for my January 7th appointment. I was 7 ½ weeks at that appointment. Everything was fine & we were sent on our way. We told our extended family at Christmas that we were expecting, with the estimated due date of August 4th. Even then, I had some reservations about telling everyone, but I assumed that everything would be fine & I was just being paranoid.
Then January 7th came. I was 10 weeks. We were scheduled for an ultrasound because of some health problems that I have & to get a more accurate due date. As Derrick & I pulled into the doctor's office parking lot, I told him that I was really concerned about this appointment. My mom met us there & we checked in. I had forgotten to bring a urine sample with, so I had to give one at the doctor's office. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed some blood. Again, not uncommon, but strange for me. We went into ultrasound & I knew right away something wasn't right.
Even after checking for a long time with 2 different ultrasound devices, the tech was not able to find the baby. The gestational sac was there measuring 7 weeks, 3 days, but no baby. My very worst fears & what I had been preparing myself for was coming true. I held it together long enough for the tech to finish & step out of the room, & then I sobbed. My heart was breaking for the baby that I had wanted for so long that never developed. Derrick & I talked to the doctor & she gave us a couple of different options. Number 1 was to wait & see if the miscarriage would happen on it's own. Number 2 was to do a D&C to remove the sac. Number 3 was to take some medicine that would kickstart the miscarriage. We took over the weekend to talk about it & decide. The doctor couldn't do anything Friday anyway because I had had a respiratory infection of some sort & we needed to get that cleared up first. I was sent home with an antibiotic & the directions to call back to set up an appointment for Monday.
Monday morning I went back to the doctor. Since the miscarriage is not happening on it's own (no bleeding since Friday night) & I am not okay with taking medicine to start it happening, we have decided to go with the D&C. I finish my round of antibiotics today, so the doctor scheduled me for the procedure at 10:30 on Thursday. I am scared, but more because I have never been under general anesthetic before than anything else.
So be praying for us this week. Honestly, my heart is broken for my baby that should be 11 weeks the day we do the D&C. I feel like I was living a lie for several weeks, thinking there was a baby when there wasn't one. I have questioned God about why he would let me get pregnant just to rip it away, but I have to remind myself that we live in a fallen world & this stuff happens. Yes, God could have stopped it, but apparently there is something good that is to come from this. I haven't figured it out yet, but I didn't know what good could come from Dylan being born 3 months early either & now I can see what a testimony his little life is.
Even through this trial, I know how blessed I am. I have a handsome, wonderful son who makes us laugh every day. I have an amazing husband who has supported me through all of this. I have a great mom who takes care of me & is being strong so I don't have to. I have awesome friends who have encouraged me & have shared their stories of loss with me. And I have a big God who comforts me through all my trials, both big & small, who I know cares for me more than anyone I have mentioned above. Through our time in the hospital with Dylan, I learned more & more that God's ways are not our ways & we might not understand them, but he sees the whole picture.
Overall, we are doing okay. We are sad & disappointed, but we find comfort in the fact that the baby never really developed. I think Thursday & the days following will be hard, so we ask for your prayers & support as we walk through something that there is no manual about how to handle.
