"When did love become unmoving?"

That is what Derrick & I have been asking ourselves over the past month. For us, we have decided that love is not unmoving - that's why we are moving to Colorado Springs in February in order for Derrick to go back to school.

Some readers have known Derrick & I forever, some of you may have only met us recently. Some of you may not even know my fantastic husband. Here's a background story of our life to get you up to date:

Derrick & I met when I was 14 & he had just turned 18. I had just started attending the First Church in the Nazarene in Davenport. We quickly became best friends & spent tons of time together. Even when we were dating other people, we always seemed to be drawn back together. In May of 2001, we began officially dating. We got engaged in May 2002. I was junior in high school & Derrick was getting ready to head to Vennard College in the fall to pursue a degree in pastoral ministries. He had felt that God was calling him to go into full time Christian ministry & VC was a great place to go to get an education for that. When Derrick was finishing up that semester at VC, his National Guard unit was called up to head to Afghanistan. Because of a strange accident (God?), Derrick was injured while getting a truck ready to ship out & broke 2 toes. Broken bones equal no deployment, so he was put on "home fort" duty & was able to stay home. It was too late in the semester to head back to school, so Derrick stayed in Davenport & got a job. I finished up my senior year in high school & prepped to head to VC in the fall. We were also planning our wedding for the following year, in May 2004

I headed to VC in August 2003 to get my degree in elementary education. Derrick had not signed up for another semester. When I got there, the admissions officer said that if Derrick was still interested, they would be able to get him in. I called him & he (reluctantly) came to Vennard & took another semester's worth of classes. He decided to not pursue the pastoral ministries degree & instead began taking courses for computer science. He ended up transferring to William Penn University, taking another semester off, going back, and finally finishing his degree. I ended up switching degrees from elementary ed to psychology, but still completed my degree in just over 4 years.

When Derrick & I married in May 2004, we didn't really know what we wanted to do with our lives. We were both finishing up school. I really wanted to be a stay at home mom. We wanted to be foster parents. Derrick wanted to work with computers. We wanted to have a few kids, get a little house, volunteer at the church & work our normal jobs. And that is what we have been doing for the past 7 years. But now, it's time for a change.

That's the background - here's the update to the story:

About a month ago, my best friend Amy approached Derrick one Wednesday night about singing a special at church the following Sunday. He does this on occasion, so he agreed without listening to the song. We had never heard of the song, but we knew of the band. When we got home from church that night & got the boys wrangled into bed, I was off doing some emails (okay, probably checking facebook...) & Derrick was doing some work in the kitchen & was listening to the new song (You Can Have Me) on his phone. All of the sudden I heard a strange sound from the kitchen. When I went to see what was going on, I found Derrick listening to his song & sobbing. Anyone who knows Derrick & I at all knows that I am a crier...Derrick is not.

I hugged him for a long time & he finally said, "I think we need to talk." My paranoia kicked in right away - my first assumption was that he was having/had had an affair. My second was that he had gotten fired & didn't want to tell me. (Cause honestly, ladies, what would you assume if your crying husband said that you needed to talk?) Turns out it was neither of those things.

Derrick told me that he had been feeling God pulling him back towards finishing the degree he had started in 2001. Without me knowing, he had texted our pastor to pray for him about some decisions he needed to make & had been fasting & praying about what to do next. He asked God for a sign that this was really what he was supposed to be doing. After hearing the song, he knew what he was supposed to do. He knew God was reminding him of the call he had put on his life & that it was time to follow through with what God wanted him to do.

I have been asked by a lot of people what I think about all of this. For me, there was really no hesitation. When we got engaged, Derrick was planning on becoming a pastor. That was what I had signed up for. It is scary, but Derrick & I have adopted You Can Have Me as our theme song to encourage us to keep pushing forward through these changes.

As we discussed it some more, we started talking about schools. Should we stay here & Derrick can just go online? Should we move so he can take classes on campus? If we move, where should we go? After talking to our pastor & our good friend Dave, we settled on Nazarene Bible College (NBC) in Colorado Springs, CO. We were very torn about if we should move or stay. Ultimately it came down to me feeling like I could not be involved in the process if Derrick was just attending school online.

Since we have decided to move, we have seen God working in ways we have never imagined. Upon checking out the NBC website, we saw that they were hiring for a PHP Programmer...the exact thing that Derrick does at his current job. They were willing to be flexible about when we come because we have some loose ends to finish up here & because we were looking for housing out there. Housing has also opened up for us at the Windmill Apartments & we are able to move into an apartment on February 7th in the complex that we wanted to be in. It's gated, with a playground & dog park, and it is a 10 minute walk from the college. Our next major hurdle is selling our house in Davenport. Be in prayer that our house will sell quickly - also, if you or anyone you know is looking to buy a cute, small, 2 bedroom house in Davenport, let me know!

We are super excited about starting this next journey in our lives. I am also so proud of my husband for following through with God's plan for his life. I know that it has been a difficult decision, but I know that the benefits far outweigh the downfalls. Please be in prayer for us & our extended family as we go through this transition time. We know that God is going to do BIG things as long as we continue to follow his plans for us!

Family Changes

For a while now, I have been wanting to share some parts of my life that are changing. Unfortunately, I can't share about all the changes today, but I can start by sharing one part.

Since before Derrick & I got married, I knew that I wanted a houseful of kids. Growing up as an only child with no cousins close by makes for a lonely time. I have always loved kids & knew that I wanted to do something to help those who need it. Once Derrick & I moved back to Davenport & got settled, we decided to become foster parents. We had seen our Pastor & his wife foster lots of children during their time at our church (mostly teenage girls - yikes!) & we saw the difference they were making in their lives. We wanted to do the same. We went through the classes & the home study & once we were approved, 2 little boys were placed in our home. About the same time, we found out I was pregnant with Dylan.

B (age 7) & J (age 6) stayed with us about 3 months. They were rowdy & wild & caused all sorts of trouble. But they were also sweet, loving & adorable. They left us in August of 2008 & have since been adopted by an awesome family who loves them despite all their difficulties. They are doing fantastic & are growing into wonderful young men.

After Dylan was born so early, we took about a year off from fostering. We did some respite care, but that was about it. We thought about letting our licence expire, but ultimately decided to renew it. Not long after we renewed, we were blessed with Baby Kota in April 2009. He was a sweet little guy & we thought he might be an adoption placement, but his parents got it together (& we are so proud of them!) & he was able to go home to them in July 2009. He now lives with his dad & is doing great!

Following him, D (age 2) came to live with us. He had some severe disabilities & lots of medical needs that we couldn't handle, so he was only with us for 10 days. We still believe that the placement worker either didn't know the extent of his disabilities or she purposefully didn't tell us all of them in order to have somewhere to place him. We felt bad that we had agreed to take him & then had to have him moved so quickly, but I think that never would have happened if she had given us the whole story from the start.

Most recently we have baby A. He came to us in April 2011 at 3 months old with some delays & has been increasingly improving since. He has some brain damage that may or may not repair itself, but he is making big strides. We were hoping that he's situation would be resolved so he could go home soon, but I am not sure if that is going to happen too quickly.

Here is where the change comes in: For several reason, Derrick & I have decided not to renew our foster licence this year. More details will be shared about the reasons at a later time, but no, we are not getting divorced & no, I am not pregnant. We are excited to just be our little family of 3 again for a while, but it will be sad to not have those extra sweet little faces around the house. This week we started weeding through our foster care clothing. What to save, what to sell, what to give away. We started talking about taking down the crib & putting away the baby items. While I know this is the right move for our family, it is still hard to be closing that chapter of our lives.

Baby A will continue to live with us until mid to late December, then he will be moving, either to a family member or to another foster home. He has been with us for 7 months - the longest of any foster child we have had - so we are hoping to still be able to be in contact with him.

We know foster parents are very much needed in our area & we have been BLESSED by the joy these kids have brought into our lives. We may come back to fostering in the future, but right now we are feeling a release from that part of our lives. If you are interested in fostering & live in the Iowa Quad Cities, let me know & I can get you more info. Otherwise, www.iakids.org has a lot of good information about becoming a foster parent. Sometimes fostering is the most difficult thing in the world...but it is still a huge blessing! We are thankful for the time God gave us in that ministry & are excited to see where He is taking us next!

Dylan-isms, Part 2

It's time for more Dylan-isms...because they are just too cute not to share!

• Nazarene tape - Measuring tape
• 'Nother - Somewhat of a mix between "Other" and "Another." Example: At church on Sunday, Dylan heard Gramma Beth while he was in the nursery with my mom & me. He said, "Hey, that sounds like my 'nother Gramma!"
• "I'm cold & chilly." - Usually just a ploy to try to not go to sleep, but can often be remedied by throwing a small blanket on top of him.
• "Get me up." - Pick me up or more commonly, "Let me sit on your lap at the computer so can distract you & convince you to let me play a game."
• My personal favorite: When getting undressed for bed, Dylan likes to run around naked, so I call him Nakey Dylan. He is apparently confused & continues to call himself "Sneaky Dylan." No amount of repeating the correct thing back to him seems to be convincing him that he is wrong. It's almost too cute to correct though!

Happy Birthday to my Sweet Boy!

Three years ago today we were in the hospital preparing to welcome our tiny baby boy into the world, 3 months too early. We had no idea what the future would hold for our tiny baby boy or if he would survive his first week in the world, let alone make it to his third birthday. 


My pregnancy had honestly not been a bad one. I was thrilled to be pregnant after years of trying - I made it a personal goal to not complain too much about the aches & pains that pregnancy can bring on. Maybe that was part of the problem. I knew that I had been having some pretty major swelling & some headaches, but I get migraines anyway, & I always thought the swelling was normal for pregnant women. 


*If you are pregnant & are having major swelling, migraines, black floaties in your vision, trouble breathing, or aren't feeling your baby move, CALL YOUR DOCTOR! It may be nothing, but those were all signs of pre-eclampsia that I ignored because I didn't know what to look for. Don't mess around - just call!


I was admitted to the hospital in Davenport on October 1st & was transferred to the University of Iowa Hospital in the evening of October 2nd. The NICU in Davenport cannot handle babies born before 30 weeks & I was only at 26 weeks. Following the first round of a steroids shot to speed up the development of our baby's lungs, I was loaded onto a gurney & hauled off to an ambulance. I was devastated to find out that Derrick was not going to be allowed to ride with me to UIHC, but that he would have to follow in our car. Since I was rear facing in the ambulance, I was able to watch him follow us, which brought me some comfort. The ambulance ride was really the first indication that there was something really wrong with me - especially when the EMT commented that "I must be still doing okay because they didn't start an IV at the hospital. Hopefully I don't have to do one on the ride up." I told him I hoped he didn't have to either!


Upon arriving in Iowa City, we went in through the emergency entrance & made our way through the maze of halls. I had never been to the hospital in Iowa City before, so it was completely new for me. I had no idea that I would become a pro at navigating those halls. We eventually made it to the Labor & Delivery department. I was taken to a triage room. Not because I was actually considered a triage case, but because L&D was completely full. I spent a terrible night in a tiny room with no windows & an awful bed. Derrick slept in a weird chair, hardly leaving my side. I had the most fantastic nurse though - Shelia - she was a blessing! One of those nurses who knows how to follow protocol, but could also take her cues from the patient. She understood that I felt terrible chained down to my bed with IVs & wires & allowed me to sit up in a chair (as long as someone was with me). She continued to be my nurse for several days of my stay & was always such an encouragement to me. 


Finally, after about 24 hours in the triage room, I was moved to a BEAUTIFUL L&D room. Huge room - not really sure how I scored it. I can only assume it is because that was the first room that opened up to get me out of that crazy triage room. Throughout the next few days I bounced back & forth between L&D & the Mother-Baby unit 7 times (Mother-Baby is where you go after your baby is born...or where you go to be on bedrest). I spent time in L&D until they got my blood pressure stabilized then they bumped me over to Mother-Baby. I would get settled in Mother-Baby & then they would check my blood pressure & find that it was extremely elevated, so I'd get bumped back to L&D. We get it straightened out & back I'd head to Mother-Baby. I moved so much that my mom took to calling us when they got to the unit so they knew which room we were in at that particular time. 


Sunday, October 5th, 2008 was a great day for me. I felt pretty good, my blood pressure looked good, & I was allowed to go on a wheelchair ride around the hospital. Derrick took me all over. We looked around in the library, we looked at some artwork, we found out there were church services offered. I still remember telling Derrick, "I wish we had known that! We'll have to go next Sunday." Derrick was preparing to head back to work early Monday morning, so we were just enjoying the time we had left before he went back. Writing that, it doesn't make much sense that he would wait until early Monday morning to head back, but I am glad he did. 


Sometime in the middle of the night on the 5th, I started having a lot of trouble breathing. Tests revealed that I had fluid gathering in my lungs. As we made another trek from Mother-Baby to L&D (still in the middle of the night), I told Derrick, "You can't go back to work tomorrow." 


Early the next morning we met with the doctors on my case. My pre-eclampsia was getting worse & the decision was to deliver the baby. It wasn't going to be an emergency delivery, but they wanted us to start prepping for a c-section. We called our family. Sometime during all of this I was started on magnesium sulfate to prevent a seizure. The mag makes you feel terrible. Hot, tired, foggy. Things are pretty cloudy for me from then on until right before the delivery. 


I was taken into the delivery room to be prepped while Derrick gowned up to join me. A guy we call "Medical Student Joe" assisted with my spinal block. He had been on rotation in the unit when I came in & could have passed for a doctor. He was professional, kind, honest & so, so nice. We have such great memories of him! I was thrilled to know that he was there to help with the delivery. It was nice to have a familiar face in the room full of people I had didn't know. I had met a few of them before, but he had connected with both Derrick & I & I know we both felt good knowing he was there. 


Derrick joined me just as they were making the first incision. There was lots of pushing & pulling, I threw up, Derrick took pictures, & within minutes, Dylan Jay Sindt was born. All 2 lbs, 3 oz, 14.5 inches of him. He came out limp & didn't cry. It is absolutely terrifying to deliver a baby & not have him cry when he should. Eventually he did make a little noise. As they were stitching me back up, someone brought Dylan over for me to see. He was so fragile that we couldn't even touch him. Derrick took a few pictures & then Dylan was whisked off to the NICU. I was stitched up, cleaned up, & taken back to my room (which was now full of visitors). That entire night is kind of a blur. I know I kept crying & asking about "the baby." Derrick was finally able to see him about 3 hours after his birth. I was cleared to go see him about 24 hours after his birth. I was overwhelmed by how tiny he was. That was a feeling that didn't leave for several weeks. 


Writing this entry has been hard for me. Emotionally draining. Frustrating because it is hard to find the right words. Why? I don't know. I think it's because of what I do know. We could have a child with physical handicaps. We don't. Dylan could have brain damage from his early birth. He doesn't. Instead, we have a completely on target, smart, funny, wonderful, precious boy. I told someone this week, "I am a proud Mama. Dylan could have so many problems, so every time I see him keeping up with kids his age, I am so thankful." I think that's where the struggle in writing this post comes from. I am thankful - for his craziness, his constant chattering, his spirit that shines through. He is amazing & I need to remember to thank God for him more often. 


On top of all of that, I wonder where the time went. How is he three already? When did he grow up? I need to remember to cherish these times, because there is no slowing them down! 

Happy birthday, sweet boy! We are so proud of you & the person you are becoming! Mama loves you!

This time of year...

It's that time of year again. Most people think, "Fall? Halloween? Christmas shopping?" For me, the answer is different. This time of year is when I reminisce & remember the fall 3 years ago when we were blessed with our little boy, 3 months too early.

I realized over the past couple days of preparing to write this blog that I had never really talked at all about the hospitalization that led up to Dylan's birth. This is the first part of that story...

3 years ago today I went into my OB's office for a check up. My blood pressure had been high & I had just completed a 24 hr urine collection to be checked for protein spillage (I am still not entirely sure what that means, but I do know that it required me to collect all of my pee in a jug for 24 hrs...not really a fun time). Anyway, I had turned in the pee jug a couple days before & headed in to my appointment ready to be told that I was going on home bedrest & that I was to stay in bed & try to keep my blood pressure down. That was not what happened.

Derrick & I were taken into a exam room, where a sweet nurse came in to take my vitals. She took my blood pressure, but didn't give me the results. Instead, she said, "Roll over, lay on your left side, don't move & I'll be back." Obviously, that is a strange thing for a nurse to say, but I complied. I tried to stay calm, but I was terrified. The doctor came in. He took my blood pressure again. Then he told us. My blood pressure was too high & there was too much protein in my urine.

I still remember his directions. "Leave here & go directly to the Labor & Delivery floor of the hospital. Do not go home & pack a bag. Go to the hospital. I will call & let them know you are coming." We left the doctor's office & went to the car. I sobbed. SOBBED. I had no desire to go to the hospital & be on bedrest there. I had nothing with me. I cried as we drove to the hospital (not a far trip). I had previously been admitted for a 24 hr urine collection that they eventually released me from & let me complete at home, so I was holding out hope that maybe I wouldn't have to stay for very long.

I checked in & was taken up to the Labor & Delivery floor. Vitals, blood pressure, more urine collection. Lots of phone calls. No one really knew what would happen next.

I honestly don't remember a whole lot of that night. Derrick went home at some point to get us some clothes & things. I know I was terrified to let him leave my side. My mom & step-dad came to see me. I had a CNA come in who was a lady I knew from foster parenting classes. I tried to get some sleep. Little did I know what the next few months had in store for us...

Reminded

After I posted my last post I went to look at the entry. I was caught by the title of this blog - "Content in the Chaos." Today was not a good day as far as contentment goes. I need to work on that for tomorrow. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23


God, help me to live this out every day - even on the long, stressful, chaotic days. Help me to love like you do. Help me to be the wife, mother, & woman You created me to be.

Rough Day

Today was a rough day. Stressful. Almost overwhelming. Exhausting. And here I am, at 10 pm, blogging.

I'm not sure why today was so rough. Nothing jumps out at me as different than normal. But today just felt long.

Dylan was a crazy man all day, constantly hanging on me, whining, disobeying. Pushing the button on that annoying Lightening McQueen. Schooling didn't go well - he just wasn't interested in any of it today. I saw a couple glimpses of what I thought was interest, but it was just the glimmer of "what naughty thing can I do next?" in his eyes.

Baby A didn't want to nap, deciding to finally nap when he should be waking up & waking up right when Dylan went to take a nap. After some play time & a bottle, baby A went back to sleep for an hour. He also managed to poop out of his diaper & all up his back before his afternoon nap. He's teething & is having crazy poop & a terrible diaper rash. I was so ready for some peace & quiet after all of that! I tried to recover from the crazy morning & tried to prepare for the long afternoon.

I had to wake Dylan up after a 2 1/2 hour nap (no wonder he was so whiny) so we could take baby A to the doctor. After the doctor it was dropping off Avon books, going to the bank, grocery shopping, hauling 2 disgruntled kids home.

Thank goodness for my fantastic husband who arrived home just minutes after I did & hauled in all the groceries for me, made the dinner that I was too exhausted to make & stayed with the boys while I finished up the grocery shopping I hadn't accomplished earlier. He was a little frazzled when I got home, but who wouldn't be after trying to put 2 active, wild boys to bed by yourself? He then retrieved all the groceries from the van for me (again!) & helped me put them away. He's a keeper!

Now I am worried about tomorrow. Will it be the same? We had such a good week last week & I can't figure out why today was so rough. I think I am heading to bed soon to pray for tomorrow to be better.

Dylan-isms

So it's been almost 9 months since my last update - wow. Apparently I got a little sidetracked. Not long after the previous entry we took a break from our preschool work. Dylan wasn't catching it, we were both frustrated & I ended up having to go back to work. Just recently we have started schooling again, with a simpler program by the creators of Letter of the Week. It is a preschool prep course called http://letteroftheweek.com/Preparatory.html. So far we are really enjoying it. But more on that later. Right now I want to share some Dylan-isms.

First, I have to say that 2 1/2 is fun. He's so funny & he is starting to get things, but he is still such a baby in some areas. One area I have noticed this the most is in his speech. He says the most hysterical things, sometimes on purpose & sometimes out of "babyness." I want to share some with you:

• "I not can't find it" - I can't find it.
• "Slippers-sippairs" - The Berenstine Bears
• "Buzz take Woody spot. My daddy telled me so." Apparently Derrick told Dylan that Buzz took Woody's spot in the Toy Story movie. Derrick does not remember this conversation. 

Here's an exchange between Dylan & me this morning:

Dylan: We eat pillows?

Mama: No, we don't eat pillows.

D: We eat blankies?

M: No, we don't eat blankies.

D: We chew blankies? 

M: No...well, I guess you do.

D: Mama chew a blankie?

M: Nope, I don't chew a blankie.

D: Mama have a Geekie (Dylan's stuffed monkey)

M: Nope, Mama doesn't have a Geekie.

D: That sad, Mama. That sad. 

What a nut! We love how funny & goofy & smart he is getting. He makes us laugh every day & we are thankful for it!

D&C Follow-Up - April 2011

I want to thank everyone who has been praying for us over the last few days. We have felt your prayers & they have been an encouragement to us. It is a blessing to know that we are loved as we move through this phase in our lives. 

Surgery went pretty well yesterday. No major problems, but I had a much harder recovery than I expected. I feel much better today & was even able to go to work (a good thing since there were several things to finish up for the Good Friday service tonight). I am honestly feeling physically better than I have in weeks. Emotionally, I am still hurting & a little sensitive about things, but that's also somewhat normal (just ask my husband). 

We think we have decided on a name for this little one. Since we weren't able to find out gender & I don't want to get to heaven someday to have my baby say, "Mom, why did you name me a boy/girl name when I am a girl/boy?" we decided that we would try to find a gender neutral name. For anyone who knows me well, you know that this was a struggle. I love strong boy names & cute girl names & can't really figure out how to make them overlap. Derrick finally suggested Alex. That was a name I hadn't thought about, but it's a good one. Some of you might think it's a little weird to name this baby, but I think it will bring some healing & closure for us. 

We're through the surgery & recovery, but as I learned last time, sometimes the pain of the loss comes when you least expect it. Please continue to pray for us. I appreicate all of you so much for all your support & love!

Miscarriage - April 2011

My heart hurts as I write this. Tomorrow, April 21st, 2011, I will be going in for another D&C. We found out in February that following my D&C in January, we were expecting again. We were so excited & things seemed to be going well. No problems that we noticed, no nagging feeling to be prepared for the worst, only excitement (and a little nervousness following the previous pregnancy).

We went to the doctor on April 11th for a routine ultrasound & 10 week doctor's appointment. On the ultrasound, there was our baby. Looking back, although the u/s tech didn't say anything at first, I think she knew right away something was wrong. She took some pictures, & then zoomed in on our baby. No heartbeat. Measuring 8 weeks & 5 days. We got some precious pictures of our tiny baby. We decided to check one more time for a heartbeat the following week, knowing that sometimes things get missed & knowing that God can do miracles if he choses. We went back yesterday & there was no change. After talking to the doctor, we decided another D&C was the best option for us since my body is not miscarrying the way it should.

I am angry, as I am sure everyone understands. I cry out to God often, “Why, God? Why my baby? My is my baby dead?” I don't understand it & I am sure God understands my anger. My heart is broken over the loss of my baby that I will never get to hold & won't get to meet until I get to heaven. I hold it together pretty well in public, but by myself, I am a mess.

This is not what I saw for my life. I thought we'd have several little ones, close to the same age to all grow up together. I never expected to have problems getting pregnant, carrying a baby to term, or staying pregnant. I suppose no one sees that for their life though. My heart hurts because I know how much we want another baby & it feels like it will never happen.

So now what? We're going in at 9 am to prep for a 11 am surgery. We're working on picking a name to refer to this little one as. I am hoping the doctor will be able to tell us the gender, but I don't know. Not sure where we go after the surgery is over. Probably taking a break for a while as we regroup & decide what our next step is. Try for another biological child? Just wait for foster kids? Pursue an adoption? I don't know.

But then my sweet boy wakes up & I realize how blessed I am. He makes me smile & is so precious. He is smart & wonderful & a true testiment to how good God really is. If we never have another child, we know that we are lucky to be blessed with our preemie miracle.

Be praying for us. Derrick is doing a great job of being strong for me, but I know he is hurting, too. Pray for health & safety for me tomorrow. Pray that Dylan doesn't cause too much trouble for the sitter & Grandma Denise tomorrow ;) More than anything, pray that God will heal us, both physically & emotionally, & guide us in what to do next.

Thanks for all your support, love, & prayers.  

Family Update

I wasn't going to share this with everyone, but after thinking about it a while & remembering how therapeutic it was when Dylan was in the hospital, I've decided I need to blog.

On November 30, Derrick & I were thrilled to find out that we were expecting our second child. We had been hoping for another baby for many months & could not have been more excited about that positive pregnancy test. The pregnancy seemed to be going really well. No morning sickness, but I didn't have any with Dylan either. Starving, always having to pee, emotional. All the joys that come along with a pregnancy. Honestly, I didn't care. I was thrilled to even be pregnant.

Even though I was so excited to be pregnant, there was a nagging feeling saying, “Renee, don't get too attached. You need to prepare yourself.” I told both Derrick & Amy that I was feeling this way, but we all kind of chalked it up to just being nervous about this second pregnancy. The pregnancy continued to go on well. I had a tiny bit of pink spotting one evening, but nothing unusual for early in a pregnancy. We saw a nurse on December 21st to fill out paperwork & get all ready for my January 7th appointment. I was 7 ½ weeks at that appointment. Everything was fine & we were sent on our way. We told our extended family at Christmas that we were expecting, with the estimated due date of August 4th. Even then, I had some reservations about telling everyone, but I assumed that everything would be fine & I was just being paranoid.

Then January 7th came. I was 10 weeks. We were scheduled for an ultrasound because of some health problems that I have & to get a more accurate due date. As Derrick & I pulled into the doctor's office parking lot, I told him that I was really concerned about this appointment. My mom met us there & we checked in. I had forgotten to bring a urine sample with, so I had to give one at the doctor's office. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed some blood. Again, not uncommon, but strange for me. We went into ultrasound & I knew right away something wasn't right.

Even after checking for a long time with 2 different ultrasound devices, the tech was not able to find the baby. The gestational sac was there measuring 7 weeks, 3 days, but no baby. My very worst fears & what I had been preparing myself for was coming true. I held it together long enough for the tech to finish & step out of the room, & then I sobbed. My heart was breaking for the baby that I had wanted for so long that never developed. Derrick & I talked to the doctor & she gave us a couple of different options. Number 1 was to wait & see if the miscarriage would happen on it's own. Number 2 was to do a D&C to remove the sac. Number 3 was to take some medicine that would kickstart the miscarriage. We took over the weekend to talk about it & decide. The doctor couldn't do anything Friday anyway because I had had a respiratory infection of some sort & we needed to get that cleared up first. I was sent home with an antibiotic & the directions to call back to set up an appointment for Monday.

Monday morning I went back to the doctor. Since the miscarriage is not happening on it's own (no bleeding since Friday night) & I am not okay with taking medicine to start it happening, we have decided to go with the D&C. I finish my round of antibiotics today, so the doctor scheduled me for the procedure at 10:30 on Thursday. I am scared, but more because I have never been under general anesthetic before than anything else.

So be praying for us this week. Honestly, my heart is broken for my baby that should be 11 weeks the day we do the D&C. I feel like I was living a lie for several weeks, thinking there was a baby when there wasn't one. I have questioned God about why he would let me get pregnant just to rip it away, but I have to remind myself that we live in a fallen world & this stuff happens. Yes, God could have stopped it, but apparently there is something good that is to come from this. I haven't figured it out yet, but I didn't know what good could come from Dylan being born 3 months early either & now I can see what a testimony his little life is.

Even through this trial, I know how blessed I am. I have a handsome, wonderful son who makes us laugh every day. I have an amazing husband who has supported me through all of this. I have a great mom who takes care of me & is being strong so I don't have to. I have awesome friends who have encouraged me & have shared their stories of loss with me. And I have a big God who comforts me through all my trials, both big & small, who I know cares for me more than anyone I have mentioned above. Through our time in the hospital with Dylan, I learned more & more that God's ways are not our ways & we might not understand them, but he sees the whole picture.

Overall, we are doing okay. We are sad & disappointed, but we find comfort in the fact that the baby never really developed. I think Thursday & the days following will be hard, so we ask for your prayers & support as we walk through something that there is no manual about how to handle.