This is Foster Care #1

Anabelle's first day
with us

In March 2016, our family met a sweet baby girl who absolutely stole our hearts. Anabelle was 4 months old & was placed in foster care with us while her mama (Lindy) got treatment for her drug addiction. She was precious & amazing...our very first full time foster girly. We loved her deeply. We connected with her grandparents & began to build a relationship with them.

Easter baskets from Nana Ann

It was good. Annie was a perfect fit in our family. But we knew it would be temporary. 

Andrew, Dylan, & Annie
on Easter 2016

Derrick & Annie,
Easter 2016

Derrick & Annie at church,
spring 2016

Dylan reading to Anabelle.
Babies are definitely loved
at our house!

Obviously, Anabelle was a favorite in our household! 

Baby Selfies!

I sure loved snuggling this
precious girl!

And then one day the word came...sweet Annie was heading home to her parents.

Dylan & Annie the day
she went home the
first time

So on May 17th, we packed her things & sent her off with her social worker back to her family. The truth is that we all had concerns about her & her brother heading home. Things just weren't stable enough yet. But when the courts say something, that's what happens. So off she went. And our lives stayed crazy. Andrew broke his leg. Our other 3 girlies went home. We took a trip to Iowa. Andrew's cast came off. It wasn't a bad summer, but that baby girl was always on our minds.

Our silly Eli!

In August we went to our district camp meeting. While there I received a call from a social worker asking if we could do respite (temporary foster care for another foster family) for a few days. We agreed. When we got home we were given a 18 month old girl & her 3 month old brother for a week.

Precious Anabelle!

And then another call came on Thursday of that week. "Renee, do you have openings? We are headed out to Anabelle's house now & will likely be doing a removal. We would need to bring you both kids." We had not seen the kids since they had left us in May, but of course, our immediate answer was YES!

So a few hours later, the social worker comes & unloads our baby girl & her 2 year old brother, Eli. (For those of you keeping count, we had 6 kids - 5 of them 3 & under! But we made it. The first set of kids went back to their foster family on Sunday, so we really only had to survive for a couple of days!)

We truly wondered if Annie & Eli's mama would be able to make the changes she needed to for them to come home. We wondered if Annie & Eli would be in our lives permanently.

Dylan putting his reading skills
to work again!

Dylan is often a favorite with the kids because he can READ!

Teeth brushing before bed!

Bath time for Eli & Andrew!

We try for perfect, precious pictures, but this is real life!
And real life is SO GOOD!

But bit by bit, we started to see improvements. Their mama completed drug treatment & was clean. The kids were able to move to their grandparents house. Lindy had more & more visits. She had the kids overnight. Eventually, she had them full time. And then social services closed her case. Writing that literally makes me tear up. Because we had grown to not only love those babies, but to love their family, too. We were so thrilled to see Lindy succeed.

My favorite picture I took of Anabelle,
September 2016

Eli on the day they moved
back to Nana Ann's house

These 2 goofballs crack me up!

And now, Eli & Annie are in our lives permanently. Not because they live with us, but because their family is our family now. Andrew & Eli are best friends.
 Annie is still Derrick's little princess. I adore Lindy's stepson (seriously, he is just a doll!). We call Annie's grandma Nana Ann & she often remembers our kids on holidays & birthdays (ALL of them, no matter how many we have!). Lindy & her fiance have asked Derrick to perform their wedding in July.
We will all be there to celebrate with them!

Lunch with some of our favorite people!

Friends, this is foster care. Or at least this is what it should be. When Lindy drops the kids off for me to watch while she & her fiance go to premarital counseling. When Nana Ann takes Andrew to play with Eli for a while because she knows we have a houseful of other puking children. When my kids beg to sit with Lindy's family at church.

Dylan snuggling Annie at church

Foster care can be rough. There are so many unknowns. It is full of loss, trauma, & pain.

 But it can be full of so much love, too. 

We are so thankful that Lindy's family has allowed us to be involved in their lives. 

And I am thankful for Lindy's friendship & for her allowing me to share OUR story of OUR girl.

Lindy, Cameron, & Matthew
(Seriously, the cheeks on that kid.
He's a doll!)

Lindy, Matthew, & our girl, Annie

14 Years Down!

Derrick is currently preaching an amazing series on marriage titled, "I Don't - Misconceptions About Marriage." (Find videos of this series here) The timing is interesting. It was unplanned to be this way, but our anniversary falls right in the middle of this series. 

I am thankful for a husband who is passionate about marriage. A man who is determined to make it work. A friend who shares his marriage insight with others. A pastor who encourages others to make their marriage a priority. 

Before we got married, we agreed that no matter what, divorce was not an option. We didn't want to be a statistic. Most of our marriage has been amazing. Marrying your best friend will often help with that. But there have been times of tears, of slamming doors, of disappointment in each other. We were young, unprepared, & selfish when we got marriage. But the love was always there. Through all our downfalls, we each knew we would be lost without the other. 

Just before our wedding - May 22, 2004

In February, Derrick attended a men's conference here in town. A discussion came up about the stages of marriage. Here are the stages laid out for the men attending:

1 - Happy Honeymoon (Song of Solomon)

• Intensity
• Idealism
• Indulgence
• Infatuation
• Ignorance

2 - Despair Stage (Proverbs 27)

• Dullness
• Disagreements
• Defensiveness
• Disapproval
• Despair
• Leads to depression or divorce
• People either
• Break-up
• Break-down
• Break-through

3 - Deeper Love (Genesis 2:24)

2007ish?

Derrick was talking to a man who had been married less than 2 years. The man said that he didn't realize there are things like that in marriage. No one really sets that part up for you before you get married! Derrick told him that we have been married almost 14 years (what?! Crazy!) & that we have had our struggles, but that we have pulled through. But then Derrick told him something that makes my heart happy. He said, "Our marriage has always been good, but the last 7 years have definitely been better than the first 7." 

We were so young!
Also, we had no idea
what we were doing...

We recently rewatched our wedding video & all I saw on that young girl's face was adoration of her new husband. My best friend's dad videoed the ceremony, but after that, the camera was handed off to my best friend's husband for the reception. He somehow caught on film the feelings of that day. Those quiet moments when we didn't realize anyone was watching. The details on our wedding cake. The intimacy of our first dance. We were so in love...all of those things in stage 1. It was just us & we lived in a bubble of love & time & intimacy & newness. 
It was amazing. 

I'm sure I'm the only one who has
ever thought this... ;-)

But that initial love, the newness, it wears off. You're left with this person who never leaves & who you realize does lots of things that annoy you. Maybe you have a baby or 2 & debate on how to raise them. Finances get stretched. You get stressed. You drop, exhausted, into bed each night, forgetting the one who shares that intimate place with you. 

You go through the motions of life, just surviving. And it builds & builds. And then you look around one day & say, "Wait, what happened? How did we get from 'that' to 'this'?"

(Sidenote: Young lovers, newlyweds, you think this won't happen to you. It will. I don't know 2 people more in love than Derrick & I were. But it still happened to us. It's what happens next that really matters!)


Our stage 2 really ramped up in 2011. 7 years ago. We were a mess, but I don't think we knew it at first. We had a 2 year old & a foster child - a special needs infant. We had just gone through a traumatic miscarriage. Derrick was working full-time & I was staying at home with the kids. We were also leading youth group, I was volunteering in the nursery, Derrick ran tech stuff on Sunday mornings. We were serving God & were busy, but that busyness led to a breakdown of our relationship. We were exhausted & we were taking each other for granted. After a partial nervous breakdown & a God-led move across country, we were able to reconnect. 

I guess I should rephrase that: We took the time to reconnect. 

NBC banquet - 2014

Strong marriages aren't something that just happen. To make it from stage 2 to stage 3, it is a ton of work. Just like anything else, you have to WANT it to be better than it is. For me, stage 3 is a daily dying to self to put my selfishness aside & think about my husband's wants & needs. It's controlling my emotions in order to have a calm discussion instead of melting into a puddle of tears with every disagreement. It's communicating when it is easier to bottle everything up. It's hard. But seeing what our first 7 years were like & seeing what the last 7 years have been like, I think the work is worth it. 

(Side note #2: it also occurred to me that about 7 years into our marriage, we really started following God & doing what He was calling us to. We worked hard to get to where we are, but having God blessing you for your obedience doesn't hurt!)

I texted my BFF this week, telling her to thank her husband for the precious video we have of our reception. In the midst of my sentimental texts, I told her this: "14 years later the love is more real, but it was just so visible then. And we were babies! I'm so thankful for the marriage more than our wedding though. I want to say, 'Who would have thought our lives would turn out like this?' But really, this is exactly what I thought my life would be like. We are so blessed!"

Friends, make your spouse a priority. Pray for them & let them know that you are. 
Send them a card. Set up childcare & go to dinner. Put the kids to bed & watch a movie. Give your spouse a big kiss & gross out your kids. 

Ordination Interview
May 2018

You chose this person for the rest of your life...take the time to remind each other why you fell in love in the first place! 

I'm specifically praying for marriages this week...I'd love to have you join me! 

But God...

Last week I was talking to my mom about wanting a necklace I could put birthstones in, but I didn't want something permanent because our family could still change. I remembered that there are lockets that hold charms, but after looking into a few, they all seemed so expensive. I put it on the back burner & figured I'd throw it out as a birthday or Mother's Day gift idea for next year. 

When I was visiting the NICU on Monday, there was a gift bag near Matthew's bed. I assumed it was for me, but it was never given to me, so I left it alone. When I was back Thursday, Matthew's nurse gave it to me. Dylan helped me open it, pulling out things & handing them to me. A card, a candle, a few other items. But the last thing he pulled out was a locket, exactly like I had been looking for. It has a charm that says "love," a preemie awareness ribbon, & Matthew's birthstone. There was a card in with the necklace with a Facebook page of the lady who sells the necklaces (Denise - The Scarf and Jewelry Lady). I contacted her because I wanted to go purchase charms for Dylan & Andrew & for other important things in my life. When my mom & I went to her house/shop, she was telling me that the Silver Linings Foundation purchases them from her each year, but they never know much about the people they are going to. How I ended up with a necklace with Matthew's birthstone is a mystery...but God.

The sweet lady let me sift through her charms for an hour looking for exactly what I wanted & helped me make sure they would all fit. And she put up with me changing my mind about a few & switched them out for me before we left her house. Also, she had really adorable puppies (okay, they were actually small dogs) that let us carry them around.

So here's what I ended up with:

3 heart birthstones - one for each of my boys!

1 emerald stone - Derrick & I were married in May, so that's the stone for that month

My preemie awareness ribbon - I never would have picked it myself, but I love it. Preemies are part of who our family is now!

A cross with pink stones & a Jesus charm - a reminder of what God has done & is still doing for us.

A silver heart with "Loved Always" on it - representing our foster babies who are always loved in our hearts, even if they aren't still in our home.

And finally, a silver background plate that says "Pray More, Worry Less."

Our family has had a whirlwind of a last year, but the last 6 months have been especially difficult. Family changes (so many changes!), big decisions, medical issues... it's overwhelming in all ways. 

But God...

God has carried us through. He has been healing our hearts. He brought our Matthew back from the edge between life & death. He has spoken  very clearly to Derrick & I separately about a big decision we needed to make. He has kept our family strong while we have been separated. He has never left us. What a blessing it is to be reminded that God in heaven cares about me. This necklace is a reminder of my life & family, but most of all, it is a reminder that life can be crazy...but God

Quotes from the Kids - August through October 2017

Derrick told the kids that he could give them swirlies (when you dunk someone's head in the toliet & flush), but then said, "I'd better not...Ms. (Social Worker's Name) wouldn't like it." J (3) stuck he head out of the bathroom & said, "Well, Ms. (SW)'s not here!" She's a sassy one, that's for sure!

Andrew: "I'm goin' to be an elefant when I grow up!"
Me: "Will you still be named Andrew? Andrew the elephant?"
Andrew: "No, my name will be Horton & I'll live in the zoo!"

Dylan lost a tooth -
Dylan: "I remember I lost a tooth on my birthday, so I think that was why I got a book & a dollar for that tooth. I think it was my 6th birthday."
J (6): "When you were 8?"
Dylan: "No, when I was 6!"

While at the Chinese buffet restaurant -
J (4): "I want ice cream for dessert. I love Chinese ice cream!"

J (6) - "This penny is 3 long. I weighed it, so I know."

Andrew, holding a penny: "Who is this guy?" 
Me: "Abraham Lincoln"
Andrew: "What? Andrew?"
Me: "No, not Andrew, Abraham."
Andrew: "Oh, I thought you said 'Andrew.' Andrewham Lincoln."
Me: "No, his name is not Andrewham."

From Derrick:

One of Dylan's spelling words is "chicken." I asked him to spell it for me.

Dylan: C-H-I-C-K...I-N
Me: No
Dylan: A-N
Me: No
Dylan: E-N
Me: Yes
Dylan (in LEGO Batman voice): First try!

I've created a monster.

Happy 1/2 of my Life Together, Derrick!

This blog is a little late in coming. I meant to write it last month, but then we got busy. And kids needed things. And we traveled. And we lived life. (And now I am finally finishing it up 6 months after the fact. Again...Life.)

Honestly, that's kind of what this blog is about. Life. 16 years ago in May, I started dating Derrick. I was 16 years old. (You can do the math to figure out my age.) I am sure there are pictures from this time, but I can't find any on my computer.

I have been anticipating this milestone for a few years now. Derrick & I have been together for half of my life. That's crazy.

November 2016

I am thankful for so many things that went right in to make these last 16 years happen.

Andrew's baby dedication

I am thankful to Derrick's sweet family who have always accepted me as one of them, even before we were dating. I have babysat his sibling's children. I have fed baby deer with his dad. I have spent hours hanging out with his mom & sisters. His grandparents, aunts & uncles, & cousins are so dear to me. I have always felt like a part of the family. What a blessing that is!

I am thankful to my awesome mom who allowed me to start dating Derrick when I was so young. She loved him, welcomed him into our home, & fed him meals. She allowed us to be serious about our relationship when we got engaged when I was 17. She saw that we truly loved each other & were willing to work hard to make things work. She has always been such a huge support of our marriage & ministries. I appreciate her so much!

Most of all, I am thankful for Derrick. We were best friends when we started dating. He knew I was interested in dating him, but he didn't rush the relationship. (I tend to be a bit impulsive when I get excited about something). He allowed things to develop naturally. Because of that, we didn't end up just dating "some person." We dated a friend. Our relationship evolved from acquaintances, to friends, to best friends, to dating, to engaged, to married for 13 years. I am thankful he took a chance on me - even though I was young.


I am thankful that we were both committed to pursuing a future together, not just dating to date. I have never regretted getting engaged & married so young. Some years have been hard. Some days have been awful. Sometimes I wondered if we would make it. But then we always do. It hasn't been easy, but God has blessed us & carried us through.

As we celebrated our 13th anniversary this year, I feel honored to be Derrick's wife. He is still my very best friend. I love that he lets me be me, encourages me to pursue my passions, & allows me to walk along side him in ministry & in life.

As I thought about our relationship, this scene from The Office popped into my head. I know this will be true for my kids, too.

Here's to many, many more years of living this life together! 

Preschooler Quiz - Andrew

TODDLER/PRESCHOOL TEST
No coaching them, just ask and write the response down:
•What is your name? Andrew
•How old are you? 4
•When is your Birthday? May mineth
•How old is Daddy? 10
•How old is Mommy?  Umm, 6?
•What is your favorite color? Blue
•What is your favorite food? Cheese pizza & sausage pizza
•Who is your best friend? Eli
•What is your favorite song? I like Daniel Tiger songs
•What is your favorite animal? Elephants
•What are you scared of? Snakes
•What makes you happy? Jesus
•Where is your favorite place to go? To MOPS
•What do you want to be when you grow up? An elephant so I can spray water out of my trunk
•What does love mean? It means you love somebody...I don't know!

Quotes from the Kids: April 2017 - July 2017

4-23-17
J (4) - what's that on your face?
Derrick - I don't know. What is it?
J (5) - She means your beard! Why you have hair on your face?
Derrick - Because I'm a boy.
J (5) - (laughing) Dylan doesn't have that!
Dylan - (joking) And I won't. Not ever!
Andrew - I want to have hair...on my weewee!
Me - Someday, buddy. Not yet though.

Did I mention we were at DQ? Always an adventure with our crew!!!

J (3) - Look, Bylan has that naughty birds cup! (Dylan had an Angry Birds cup).

6-14-17
Andrew: "If you don't get what you get, you can throw a fit."

7-3-17
J (4) - "I like Andrew best. He's the perfect boy for me. He's so silly!"

7-6-17
J (4) - "When Jesus had he's bath-tism, he goed in the water."

7-23-17
J (4) - "Excuse me. That was an invisible fart."
Me - "Well, I hope so."

Foster Care: Myths About Children in Care

A lot of people have misconceptions about children who are in the foster care system. Today, I am going to try to address some of those myths.

*As in any job, there are bad eggs in social work! Most social workers are fantastic, but not all. Just like teachers, doctors, pastors, etc. You wouldn't think people would take on a very stressful job & so many hours without enjoying the job, but for some reason they do!*

Children are in care because they are bad kids - I would call this myth more of a half truth. Most kids in foster care come in because of choices on their parents' end. These kids just end up suffering the consequences of their parents' choices. Now, that does not mean that kids will not have behavior problems. It is unlikely that a child will come into a foster home without some damage. By the time they enter foster care they have likely lived a very chaotic life. They will have behavior issues - it is your job as a foster parent to help them walk through those issues & advocate for the help they need to reach their full potential.
* There are kids who enter foster care because of their behavior. They may have gotten involved in drugs, may have an unplanned pregnancy, may have major behavior or mental health issues, may have issues with their parents. In these cases, sometimes the parents have asked to have the child removed from their home & sometimes the state decides that there are too many issues at home & the child needs to be removed. These children/youths are usually not placed in a family foster care situation (which is what we do). They are placed in either a treatment facility or treatment home. The workers in those situations have much more training than we do!

Children are removed from their families for no reason - Between Iowa & North Dakota, we have 12 kids come into our home through the foster care system. Every one of those children were removed due to either drugs, severe neglect, or abuse. I will give some brief details of some of our Iowa kids (of things I can share)

• B & J were our first kids. They were 6 & 7 & had been in the foster care system for years by the time we got them, due to severe neglect & educational neglect, mostly. Their parents didn't really ever make an attempt to improve the situation at home. The boys ended up being adopted.
• Baby D was a baby who's mom chose to put him in temporary foster care so she could get her drug addiction under control. He was placed with us for 90 days & on day 90 we took him back to his mom. As far as I know things are going well & he has been with his parents ever since.

• A was brought to us from the hospital at 3 months old after suffering tremendous injuries from being shaken. His mom went to jail & he was adopted by a fantastic family!
• D was with us due to medical neglect. He had a lot of special needs (so much so that he had a private nurse with him for about 8 hours a day) & his family was not willing to give him the care he needed, including skipping meds & doctors appointments. He was only with us a couple weeks. I am not sure what happened to him after he left our home. 

All of these kids were removed for very real reasons. Social workers had been in these homes before & had given these parents MANY chances to get their acts together. DHS does not just go in & remove children on a whim. On to my next point...

Removals - DHS can remove children whenever they want to - I'll call this another half truth. DHS/the county can remove kids if they feel that a child is in danger. That said, they can only retain custody for 72 hours without a court order. So this is what happens

• The social worker gets a call from the police department & heads to the scene. 
• The social worker evaluates the situation.
• Are the children in immediate danger?
• Can the issues be resolved in the home?
• What safeguards can be put in place in order to keep the children with their family? 
• If the children are okay, then the worker makes a plan with the family & sets up follow-ups to make sure things are going okay. 
• If the children are not safe or the situation cannot be defused, the social worker, along with law enforcement, removes the children & places them in a temporary foster home. 
• After the children are removed, DHS has 72 hours to get the case heard by a judge. The judge determines if the removal was appropriate. 
• If he feels like it wasn't needed, then he will order the children returned home. The children go back home & there will often be a safety plan put in place with the family so there isn't another situation like this. 
• If it was appropriate, then he will give a new custody timeline - depending on the age of the child & the situation, this is usually 6 months to 1 year. This does NOT mean that a child will be out of the home for that long! This just gives time for the family to meet the goals that DHS puts in place. If the family reaches those goals & shows improvement, the children can return home. DHS will still stay involved with them until the court-ordered custody is over. 
• If the family is showing progress, but hasn't reached enough goals yet, the custody can be extended to give them more time to keep working. 

Removals - Children are removed & never get to go back home - Of the 12 kids that we have had in care, we know what happened to 11 of them after they left our home. Only 3 have not returned home & one sibling set was moved to a family member's home, but I foresee those kids returning home in the near future. Here is the truth of the matter:

• DHS does not want to separate families! Social workers know that it is not good to keep moving children. It is better, in general, to keep them in their family & work with the family at home as a whole. They do everything they can to keep families together!
• DHS does not want to fill up foster homes unnecessarily. They want to leave foster homes open for children who really are in danger & need a safe place to be. Also, good foster parents don't want children removed from good families! 
• DHS workers are too busy to make more work for themselves. They aren't going to remove kids unless they have to. They definitely don't need more things to do for no reason! If they fill up foster homes, then it costs the state more money & makes foster families unavailable for when children who really need a safe place (foster families get reimbursements for caring for kids in foster care. Here is a tongue & cheek article about that: http://thefosterlife.com/2015/02/19/i-foster-for-the-money/ )

I hope that clears up a few of the misconceptions about children in the foster care system. If you have any more questions or things you'd like me to address, please let me know! I would love to share more with you!

Foster Care: Kids Going Viral!

This is somewhat of an offshoot tangent regarding foster care. It's somewhat about foster care, but somewhat about adoption.

This week, this adorable sibling set from Kansas has been blowing up my newsfeed. These kids are everywhere & they are looking for their forever family. They are seriously precious. And really, who wouldn't want to see these super cute kids stay together? The agency has been completely overwhelmed with the response of people interested in adopting this sibling set.

All of that is fantastic. I am so thrilled that the needs of these kids are making it around the world so that they will soon be in a forever family. I want to see a follow-up in a year about how they are so happy together in their new family. But then what?

According to a second article from two days after the kids went viral, they received 1,500 inquiries about these kids. 1,500!!! That's crazy & amazing! They will find the right parents with that many people involved! But only one family is going to end up with those kids. What about the other 1,499 families who were interested in these kids? What about the people from other states who wanted them, but were then informed that they wanted Kansas families only?

Well, have I got something to share with you...

There are over 100,000 children in the United States waiting to be adopted, just like those sweet kids who went viral last week. Some kids have special needs. Some are older. Some are only children. Some need to be the only children in the home. But in light of it being a sibling group that went viral this week, I want to share some other sibling groups in need of a forever family with you!

Laura, Kay-Lynn, & Victoria

Laura, Kay-Lynn, & Victoria: These girls speak to my heart. They are looking for a church attending family where they can be involved. They are smart & look like so much fun! They have some issues that are being discussed in counseling (which will be true of most foster kids), but overall, they seem like very sweet little girls!

Tatum, Austin, Rhea, Harmony

Native American friends, look at these cuties! If we were Native, we would try to scoop them up! Their social workers would prefer that they are the only children in the home, but they are willing to consider any family who is interested! They could very much benefit from a permanent family who will keep them all
together!

Fletcher, Shelby, Jackie

Colorado friends- this sibling set would love to have a forever family! Their social workers are looking for a 2 parent household for them. The kids love playing games & being outside. They are considered to be sweet & friendly children.

Darius, LaShiya,
Patience, Taylor

This crew is just adorable! They are very close to each other & want to stay together. I especially loved that the youngest one "is big on following the rules & sometimes tattles on her siblings if they don't!" 😄 They love to be involved in church & are very interested in music!







Okay, readers - here is your assignment. Maybe you are looking to adopt - then look into one of these sibling groups (or one of the many others listed on the national adoption sites - https://www.adoptex.org/ or http://adoptuskids.org/?r=l or your own state's waiting children page). If you are not looking to adopt, then pick a sibling set & share them. Help them go viral & find a family!