Foster Care: Myths About Children in Care

A lot of people have misconceptions about children who are in the foster care system. Today, I am going to try to address some of those myths.

*As in any job, there are bad eggs in social work! Most social workers are fantastic, but not all. Just like teachers, doctors, pastors, etc. You wouldn't think people would take on a very stressful job & so many hours without enjoying the job, but for some reason they do!*

Children are in care because they are bad kids - I would call this myth more of a half truth. Most kids in foster care come in because of choices on their parents' end. These kids just end up suffering the consequences of their parents' choices. Now, that does not mean that kids will not have behavior problems. It is unlikely that a child will come into a foster home without some damage. By the time they enter foster care they have likely lived a very chaotic life. They will have behavior issues - it is your job as a foster parent to help them walk through those issues & advocate for the help they need to reach their full potential.
* There are kids who enter foster care because of their behavior. They may have gotten involved in drugs, may have an unplanned pregnancy, may have major behavior or mental health issues, may have issues with their parents. In these cases, sometimes the parents have asked to have the child removed from their home & sometimes the state decides that there are too many issues at home & the child needs to be removed. These children/youths are usually not placed in a family foster care situation (which is what we do). They are placed in either a treatment facility or treatment home. The workers in those situations have much more training than we do!

Children are removed from their families for no reason - Between Iowa & North Dakota, we have 12 kids come into our home through the foster care system. Every one of those children were removed due to either drugs, severe neglect, or abuse. I will give some brief details of some of our Iowa kids (of things I can share)

• B & J were our first kids. They were 6 & 7 & had been in the foster care system for years by the time we got them, due to severe neglect & educational neglect, mostly. Their parents didn't really ever make an attempt to improve the situation at home. The boys ended up being adopted.
• Baby D was a baby who's mom chose to put him in temporary foster care so she could get her drug addiction under control. He was placed with us for 90 days & on day 90 we took him back to his mom. As far as I know things are going well & he has been with his parents ever since.

• A was brought to us from the hospital at 3 months old after suffering tremendous injuries from being shaken. His mom went to jail & he was adopted by a fantastic family!
• D was with us due to medical neglect. He had a lot of special needs (so much so that he had a private nurse with him for about 8 hours a day) & his family was not willing to give him the care he needed, including skipping meds & doctors appointments. He was only with us a couple weeks. I am not sure what happened to him after he left our home. 

All of these kids were removed for very real reasons. Social workers had been in these homes before & had given these parents MANY chances to get their acts together. DHS does not just go in & remove children on a whim. On to my next point...

Removals - DHS can remove children whenever they want to - I'll call this another half truth. DHS/the county can remove kids if they feel that a child is in danger. That said, they can only retain custody for 72 hours without a court order. So this is what happens

• The social worker gets a call from the police department & heads to the scene. 
• The social worker evaluates the situation.
• Are the children in immediate danger?
• Can the issues be resolved in the home?
• What safeguards can be put in place in order to keep the children with their family? 
• If the children are okay, then the worker makes a plan with the family & sets up follow-ups to make sure things are going okay. 
• If the children are not safe or the situation cannot be defused, the social worker, along with law enforcement, removes the children & places them in a temporary foster home. 
• After the children are removed, DHS has 72 hours to get the case heard by a judge. The judge determines if the removal was appropriate. 
• If he feels like it wasn't needed, then he will order the children returned home. The children go back home & there will often be a safety plan put in place with the family so there isn't another situation like this. 
• If it was appropriate, then he will give a new custody timeline - depending on the age of the child & the situation, this is usually 6 months to 1 year. This does NOT mean that a child will be out of the home for that long! This just gives time for the family to meet the goals that DHS puts in place. If the family reaches those goals & shows improvement, the children can return home. DHS will still stay involved with them until the court-ordered custody is over. 
• If the family is showing progress, but hasn't reached enough goals yet, the custody can be extended to give them more time to keep working. 

Removals - Children are removed & never get to go back home - Of the 12 kids that we have had in care, we know what happened to 11 of them after they left our home. Only 3 have not returned home & one sibling set was moved to a family member's home, but I foresee those kids returning home in the near future. Here is the truth of the matter:

• DHS does not want to separate families! Social workers know that it is not good to keep moving children. It is better, in general, to keep them in their family & work with the family at home as a whole. They do everything they can to keep families together!
• DHS does not want to fill up foster homes unnecessarily. They want to leave foster homes open for children who really are in danger & need a safe place to be. Also, good foster parents don't want children removed from good families! 
• DHS workers are too busy to make more work for themselves. They aren't going to remove kids unless they have to. They definitely don't need more things to do for no reason! If they fill up foster homes, then it costs the state more money & makes foster families unavailable for when children who really need a safe place (foster families get reimbursements for caring for kids in foster care. Here is a tongue & cheek article about that: http://thefosterlife.com/2015/02/19/i-foster-for-the-money/ )

I hope that clears up a few of the misconceptions about children in the foster care system. If you have any more questions or things you'd like me to address, please let me know! I would love to share more with you!

Foster Care: Kids Going Viral!

This is somewhat of an offshoot tangent regarding foster care. It's somewhat about foster care, but somewhat about adoption.

This week, this adorable sibling set from Kansas has been blowing up my newsfeed. These kids are everywhere & they are looking for their forever family. They are seriously precious. And really, who wouldn't want to see these super cute kids stay together? The agency has been completely overwhelmed with the response of people interested in adopting this sibling set.

All of that is fantastic. I am so thrilled that the needs of these kids are making it around the world so that they will soon be in a forever family. I want to see a follow-up in a year about how they are so happy together in their new family. But then what?

According to a second article from two days after the kids went viral, they received 1,500 inquiries about these kids. 1,500!!! That's crazy & amazing! They will find the right parents with that many people involved! But only one family is going to end up with those kids. What about the other 1,499 families who were interested in these kids? What about the people from other states who wanted them, but were then informed that they wanted Kansas families only?

Well, have I got something to share with you...

There are over 100,000 children in the United States waiting to be adopted, just like those sweet kids who went viral last week. Some kids have special needs. Some are older. Some are only children. Some need to be the only children in the home. But in light of it being a sibling group that went viral this week, I want to share some other sibling groups in need of a forever family with you!

Laura, Kay-Lynn, & Victoria

Laura, Kay-Lynn, & Victoria: These girls speak to my heart. They are looking for a church attending family where they can be involved. They are smart & look like so much fun! They have some issues that are being discussed in counseling (which will be true of most foster kids), but overall, they seem like very sweet little girls!

Tatum, Austin, Rhea, Harmony

Native American friends, look at these cuties! If we were Native, we would try to scoop them up! Their social workers would prefer that they are the only children in the home, but they are willing to consider any family who is interested! They could very much benefit from a permanent family who will keep them all
together!

Fletcher, Shelby, Jackie

Colorado friends- this sibling set would love to have a forever family! Their social workers are looking for a 2 parent household for them. The kids love playing games & being outside. They are considered to be sweet & friendly children.

Darius, LaShiya,
Patience, Taylor

This crew is just adorable! They are very close to each other & want to stay together. I especially loved that the youngest one "is big on following the rules & sometimes tattles on her siblings if they don't!" 😄 They love to be involved in church & are very interested in music!







Okay, readers - here is your assignment. Maybe you are looking to adopt - then look into one of these sibling groups (or one of the many others listed on the national adoption sites - https://www.adoptex.org/ or http://adoptuskids.org/?r=l or your own state's waiting children page). If you are not looking to adopt, then pick a sibling set & share them. Help them go viral & find a family!

Quotes from the Kids: December 2016 - Mid-April 2017

Starting off the new blog right with a hilarious quote from Dylan...

"Mom, if I had a nickle for every time I was being naughty, I would be rich!" Dylan, age 8

"Is there every going to be a thing called hockey gymnastics? - Dylan, age 8

Andrew - *sneezes*

Derrick - "Bless you!"

Andrew - "Daddy, I blessed on you!"

Me: "I'll give you a knuckle sandwich."

Andrew: "I'll knuckle you in the sandwich!"

Dylan - "It's good to be a poop!"

Me - "Dylan, that's not appropriate."

Andrew - "But it was funny..."

Andrew - "You're a mean mommy. I'm going to throw you in the garbage can." (You know, mean moms always make kids eat their dinner)

Andrew - "I want to eat lunch at Subway."

Me - "Well, we'll probably let Daddy pick."

Andrew - "I want to pick. It's my birthday." 

Me, laughing - "Um, today is not your birthday..."

Me, taking food orders at McDonald's - "Do you want chocolate milk or a fountain drink?' 

J, age 5 - "There isn't a fountain here."

"Girls wear a dress & boys wear a handsome." - J, age 5

"Why you buy rainbow cheerios?" - JR, age 4 (Can you figure out what they actually were?)

Foster Care: How We Became Foster Parents

Months ago I wrote a blog about international adoption, promising that at some point I would talk about foster care. Now is that time!

MOPS Tie Blankets 2017

Sometime over the summer I was contacted by one of my MOPS leaders asking if my husband & I would be interested in sharing our foster care experience on the day that we make tie blankets for Project Ignite Light. I enthusiastically agreed - I love sharing about foster care! Since I shared there, I thought I would use our notes to share our story with my blog followers, too!

First, I should share the story of how we became foster parents. When Derrick & I were teenagers, our pastor & his wife (Bill & Sue) were foster parents. They primarily took in delinquent teenage girls (bless their hearts!) I was always very impressed with how they managed those kids & how hard they worked to show Jesus to them. It was never odd to see them come into church with 4 teenage girls in tow, possibly different ones from the week before. I just thought what they did was amazing!

Pastor Bill & Sue with
Derrick & I at Christmas 2016

Even though they usually took teenage girls, there were occasions where younger kids came into their home. In 2008, they took in 2 brothers in a respite placement...that ended up being much longer than the 2 weeks it was supposed to be! This is where our stories in foster care intersected.

When Derrick & I got married, we knew that we would one day do foster care & maybe adoption. Foster care & adoption were never a "plan b" to having bio kids. We really wanted to do both. We assumed we would have bio kids first though. When we decided we were ready for kids, we found out that I have some internal issues that make it more difficult to get pregnant. After a year of trying, we just kind of thought it wasn't going to happen. In early 2008, we decided to pursue our foster care license. In talking to Pastor Bill & Sue about our classes, Sue said, "You know, I think the boys we have in our home would be a great fit for you guys."

* I have to say at this point that Sue had much more faith in us than we did! We had never parented before. I had worked at an elementary school with some difficult kids, but that is much different than parenting! But even with that, I am so glad that we took them in!

In April 2008 we were officially licensed for foster care & the 2 brothers, B (age 7) & J (age 6), moved into our home. They were very high energy, loved to test the boundaries, & really struggled with their behavior at school. They were also adorable, sweet, funny, & so smart! Our hands were full, but they were worth it. The younger boy was diagnosed with ADHD, but we never had any meds for him & we never had any problems at home with him. He did sleepwalk, so that was an exciting adventure! The older boy had some issues with male authority figures & took a swing at Derrick one day. I never had any issues like that with him & Derrick's pretty tough - he can take a hit from a 7 year old. It was not a fairytale at all, but they were good kids, considering all they had been through!

Not long after they moved in, we found out I was pregnant with Dylan. In Iowa, they are very strict about bedroom space. You have to have a certain number of square feet of bedroom space for each child. In our small 2 bedroom house, we could not have 3 children. I remember being so heartbroken that those boys would have to move again. They had become part of our family. They stayed with us throughout the summer, in which we celebrated both of their birthdays!, but we transitioned them to another foster home just before the start of the school year. Looking back, it is good that we made the choice to move them when we did since Dylan was born so early just a few weeks later.

Every move a child makes is more trauma, more adjustments, & more attachments they have to break & make again somewhere else. We hated to move them again. I felt so guilty about it, but we didn't really have any choices. Luckily, the kids were able to stay in the same school & continue attending the same church. They were at Dylan's first birthday party. Reunification with their birth family was not appropriate in their case, but we were able to see them be adopted by a sweet couple who not only adopted them, but their bio brother & another little boy, too! I don't hear from them anymore, but their other foster families do, occasionally, & they will give us updates. The boys are now 16 & 15 & last we heard they were doing well.

Those boys were our first shot at parenting. Poor kids were our guinea pigs! It was definitely a learning experience, but not one I would ever change. After Dylan was born, due to his fragile health, we took a break from doing foster care. After we reopened our foster care license, we were able to care for 5 more little ones before we moved to Colorado. Foster care is part of our life now & is something that we are passing down to our kids. A legacy of sorts. It is a passion for me & it is becoming one for the rest of my family, too.

As I share more in this series I will hopefully be able to answer more questions about foster care, details of what is required, how we deal with all the different workers in our home, how we work with birth families, & what our families & friends think about it! Please comment with any questions you have - I would LOVE to answer them!

International Women's Day 2017

Today is International Women's Day. Honestly, I don't generally care much about days like this. I really figured I'd just let today pass without even a mention from me. But as I was thinking about all the International Women's Day posts I've been seeing on Facebook today, it occurred to me that I do care about women & their futures - I just care about them in a different way than many of my friends do.

So today, on International Women's Day, let's not just talk about making a difference & wear pink hats & skip work & protest. Let's actually do something to help women internationally. Here are some ways you can help:

Sponsor a child - Help girls around the world to have food, water, safety, education, & skill training.

• World Vision: Derrick & I have previously sponsored a little girl through World Vision & have had only good experiences with it. It was a blessing to know she was able to get an education because of our sponsorship!
• Nazarene Compassionate Ministries: This is a sponsorship program through our general church. You can sponsor a specific child or you can donate to certain programs. You can even have your money go to items communities may need, like a well or land plowed for a community garden!

Mentor a child - For about a year when I was in college I participated in a program similar to Big Brothers/Big Sisters. It was well outside of my comfort zone, but I am glad I did it!

These kids in my 5th & 6th grade
Caravans class were a hoot!
Poor Ry was the only boy in our crew!

• Big Brothers/Big Sisters: This program matches you with a child who needs some extra support.
• Volunteer at schools: When I was in high school I volunteered & worked at an elementary school. I still remember many of the kids I worked with & I can tell you that it was as much of a blessing to me as it was to them. I genuinely looked forward to going to work every day!
• Volunteer at your church with the children or teens: Many churches are looking for people to work with kids & teens. I have worked with many different aged girls at our churches & I have really enjoyed all of it! Go through their screening process & love on some young people! 

Adopt/Foster/Support Adoptions: It would not be my blog if I didn't mention adoption! 😉 There are many young girls waiting to be adopted. If we really want a different future for women, then we need to step out & make a difference for young girls. Getting them into forever families is one way that we can help keep them out of the hands of those who want to harm them. Young women who age out of the foster care system or out of orphanages are much more likely to be caught up in prostitution & human trafficking that young women who have a permanent family. We can make a difference for them! We can save them from a sad & short life by making a small sacrifice on our end.

• Adoption: International or domestic adoptions can save girls from a lifetime of pain & suffering!



Lucia

• Reece's Rainbow: My favorite adoption website. This is an international adoption site. You can search for kids by age, gender, special need, & country. Some of my favorite girls are:

• Lucia - This beautiful little girl is said to be very friendly & sweet. She has the most precious smile! There is a video on her profile that is precious!

Betsy

• Betsy: Her profile makes me want to cry. Her special need is not severe. If she is not adopted, she will age out onto the streets & will likely be caught up into prostitution & will die on the streets. I am not being dramatic - I am being realistic. She does not have a future where she is. Betsy has been hosted by a family in America & desperately wants a mama & daddy to love her! 

Cassie

• Cassie: What a beautiful little girl! She has been abandoned twice - can you imagine? She needs a family to love her! Cassie is just a little younger than Dylan. It breaks my heart to see kids so close to my kids' ages without a family to care for them. 

Amber

• Amber: Amber has some pretty severe needs, but that smile! I have a feeling she could melt hearts wherever she goes! Amber will not age out onto the street...she will be moved to an adult mental institution where she will waste away & die. She needs a family to rescue her & give her a future! 

• Domestic Adoption: I don't know much about infant adoption, so I can't address that. I do know that there are many children in the foster care system who are in need of families. There are 2 main websites to find children who are available for adoption in the United States. They are AdoptUSKids & Adoption Exchange. I spend a lot of time on these sites searching for kids who would fit into our family. 

• Wanna make a huge difference for 3 young women? These 3 sisters are in need of a family! What a precious addition they would be to a lucky family! Victoria, Kay-Lynn, Laura

• Foster care: Being a foster parent gives support to children who need it. We are also often able to spend time with bio families & build relationships with them! Loving your foster kids does

  

  Celebrating our middle foster daughter's birthday last April.
  Every day is a party with a houseful of kids!

  not have to end when the child leaves your home! (Example of this: This last weekend we were able to attend the birthday party of one of our former "extra" kiddos. It was so much fun! We feel so blessed that we are allowed to continue to be a part of these kids' lives! We seriously love them & their family so much!) Most of my friends are in Iowa, Colorado, or North Dakota, so I will list resources for becoming a foster parent in those states. If you need more information or help, please contact me & I will do whatever I can to help you! 
• Iowa - Iowa KidsNet
• Colorado - Colorado is tricky because you license privately, not through the state. If you are in El Paso county, check out this page - http://dhs.elpasoco.com/Pages/CPA-Adopt.aspx
• North Dakota: https://www.nd.gov/dhs/services/childfamily/fostercare/

• Supporting Adoptions: Adoptions cost money! Many of my friends who are adopting could most definitely raise another child, but it would take them years to save up $20,000 - $40,000 to do an adoption. Donate a few dollars to them & know you are making a forever difference in the life of a child! Here are some families who are adopting girls! Support them if you can! 



Mary



Lynda

• Mary for the Nalle family - This precious girl 💖💖💖 Her family has had quite the journey to find her! I can't wait to see her home with them! 

• Lynda (& Roman) for the Petersen family - I have watched this little girl wait & wait for a family. Her mama is a strong woman who is working her hiney off to raise the funds to get these 2 sweeties home!

Anna



Dolly

• Anna & Dolly for the Graham family - These 2 girls need to be home to get the medical care they need! From what I know of their mama, they will be raised to be STRONG, SMART women!

Kaila & Connie

• Kaila & Connie for the Adair family - these sisters will be joining a house FULL of more sisters! The Adair family has 7 daughters, 4 bio & 3 adopted. One day those little girls will grow into women & I know they will make a difference in our world! 

If you have made it to the end of this post, good job, you! Gold stars all around! 🌟🌟🌟 Now stop reading & go make a difference for women around the world. Let's help to raise up the next generation of smart & strong women who will make a difference in the world!

Behind the (Adoption) Scenes

Clementine - She will always
be loved by our family!

Yesterday I saw a blog on the Reece's Rainbow facebook page from a family who has adopted twice before. Because I know their story & the blog title peaked my interest, I clicked the link. I never would have guessed what I would see. They are adopting little Mary!

My brain made the connection - this is the family who wanted Clementine & discovered she was unavailable. This is the family who helped redirect Clementine's grant. This is the family who SAW Mary.

I messaged the mom yesterday & told her how thrilled I was that Mary would have a family. She responded & shared a little more of their story (which you can read at their blog - http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/ - seriously, go read it. You won't be disappointed.) I was very glad that she didn't think I was creepy for messaging her!

As I was getting ready this morning, it was like God finally pulled back the curtains to show me all that has been happening over the past few years to get Mary into a family. On my end, this is how things went down:

• - I saw a bunch of little girls between 5 & 9 on the Reece's Rainbow website & fell in love with all of them
• I wanted to adopt, but due to time, space, & moving, we just couldn't, so I started advocating & raising money instead.
• In fall 2016 I signed up to be a Christmas warrior & gave a list of 3 children I would like to advocate for.
• I was given my first choice, Lynda, but then I was informed that she had a family (YAY!), so I was asked if I would raise money for my second choice, Clementine.
• I raised money during the holidays for my sweet Christmas child & fell more & more in love with her, eventually approaching Derrick about trying to adopt her.
• When we determined that we couldn't adopt her, I kind of took a break from advocating as much. I was so sad that I just COULDN'T do anything else.
• I was told by another adoptive mom that another family had asked for more information about Clementine, but had been informed that she had already been adopted. I was told that her grant money could be moved to another child. 
• I contacted the person in charge of the grants & suggested Mary receive Clementine's money &  found out that the Nalle family had suggested Mary, too.
  

Mary - look at that precious face!

As I look back through all of this, God showed me how He has been working. Clementine was listed on Reece's Rainbow several years ago, but disappeared, then reappeared this last year. I committed to raise money for her at Christmas, putting her face out there again. The Nalle family saw Clementine & were drawn to adopt again. Where did she go the first time & why was she relisted? I don't know for sure, but I have to believe that she was listed so that she could help Mary get a family.

And now here we are - the Nalle family is adopting little Mary. 

What if I had ignored the feeling I had about raising money for a Christmas child? What if I had decided it was too far out of my comfort zone, so I did nothing? What if Clementine hadn't made it on the Christmas fundraiser page? Would Mary still have a family coming right now?

If you donated, prayed, or shared Clementine during the Christmas season, then you helped Mary find a home! You are helping to fund her adoption! You are making a difference for a little girl who may not have the hope of a future if she is left where she is!

I'd love to see growth in the Nalle family's grant today. They are amazing & I am thrilled to know that Mary is going to be a part of their family! They have lost several children through their adoption processes, through no fault of their own, but they are continuing to push forward & follow God's calling in their lives. Let's support them both financially & through prayer as they go on this journey!