This time of year...

It's that time of year again. Most people think, "Fall? Halloween? Christmas shopping?" For me, the answer is different. This time of year is when I reminisce & remember the fall 3 years ago when we were blessed with our little boy, 3 months too early.

I realized over the past couple days of preparing to write this blog that I had never really talked at all about the hospitalization that led up to Dylan's birth. This is the first part of that story...

3 years ago today I went into my OB's office for a check up. My blood pressure had been high & I had just completed a 24 hr urine collection to be checked for protein spillage (I am still not entirely sure what that means, but I do know that it required me to collect all of my pee in a jug for 24 hrs...not really a fun time). Anyway, I had turned in the pee jug a couple days before & headed in to my appointment ready to be told that I was going on home bedrest & that I was to stay in bed & try to keep my blood pressure down. That was not what happened.

Derrick & I were taken into a exam room, where a sweet nurse came in to take my vitals. She took my blood pressure, but didn't give me the results. Instead, she said, "Roll over, lay on your left side, don't move & I'll be back." Obviously, that is a strange thing for a nurse to say, but I complied. I tried to stay calm, but I was terrified. The doctor came in. He took my blood pressure again. Then he told us. My blood pressure was too high & there was too much protein in my urine.

I still remember his directions. "Leave here & go directly to the Labor & Delivery floor of the hospital. Do not go home & pack a bag. Go to the hospital. I will call & let them know you are coming." We left the doctor's office & went to the car. I sobbed. SOBBED. I had no desire to go to the hospital & be on bedrest there. I had nothing with me. I cried as we drove to the hospital (not a far trip). I had previously been admitted for a 24 hr urine collection that they eventually released me from & let me complete at home, so I was holding out hope that maybe I wouldn't have to stay for very long.

I checked in & was taken up to the Labor & Delivery floor. Vitals, blood pressure, more urine collection. Lots of phone calls. No one really knew what would happen next.

I honestly don't remember a whole lot of that night. Derrick went home at some point to get us some clothes & things. I know I was terrified to let him leave my side. My mom & step-dad came to see me. I had a CNA come in who was a lady I knew from foster parenting classes. I tried to get some sleep. Little did I know what the next few months had in store for us...

Reminded

After I posted my last post I went to look at the entry. I was caught by the title of this blog - "Content in the Chaos." Today was not a good day as far as contentment goes. I need to work on that for tomorrow. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23


God, help me to live this out every day - even on the long, stressful, chaotic days. Help me to love like you do. Help me to be the wife, mother, & woman You created me to be.

Rough Day

Today was a rough day. Stressful. Almost overwhelming. Exhausting. And here I am, at 10 pm, blogging.

I'm not sure why today was so rough. Nothing jumps out at me as different than normal. But today just felt long.

Dylan was a crazy man all day, constantly hanging on me, whining, disobeying. Pushing the button on that annoying Lightening McQueen. Schooling didn't go well - he just wasn't interested in any of it today. I saw a couple glimpses of what I thought was interest, but it was just the glimmer of "what naughty thing can I do next?" in his eyes.

Baby A didn't want to nap, deciding to finally nap when he should be waking up & waking up right when Dylan went to take a nap. After some play time & a bottle, baby A went back to sleep for an hour. He also managed to poop out of his diaper & all up his back before his afternoon nap. He's teething & is having crazy poop & a terrible diaper rash. I was so ready for some peace & quiet after all of that! I tried to recover from the crazy morning & tried to prepare for the long afternoon.

I had to wake Dylan up after a 2 1/2 hour nap (no wonder he was so whiny) so we could take baby A to the doctor. After the doctor it was dropping off Avon books, going to the bank, grocery shopping, hauling 2 disgruntled kids home.

Thank goodness for my fantastic husband who arrived home just minutes after I did & hauled in all the groceries for me, made the dinner that I was too exhausted to make & stayed with the boys while I finished up the grocery shopping I hadn't accomplished earlier. He was a little frazzled when I got home, but who wouldn't be after trying to put 2 active, wild boys to bed by yourself? He then retrieved all the groceries from the van for me (again!) & helped me put them away. He's a keeper!

Now I am worried about tomorrow. Will it be the same? We had such a good week last week & I can't figure out why today was so rough. I think I am heading to bed soon to pray for tomorrow to be better.

Dylan-isms

So it's been almost 9 months since my last update - wow. Apparently I got a little sidetracked. Not long after the previous entry we took a break from our preschool work. Dylan wasn't catching it, we were both frustrated & I ended up having to go back to work. Just recently we have started schooling again, with a simpler program by the creators of Letter of the Week. It is a preschool prep course called http://letteroftheweek.com/Preparatory.html. So far we are really enjoying it. But more on that later. Right now I want to share some Dylan-isms.

First, I have to say that 2 1/2 is fun. He's so funny & he is starting to get things, but he is still such a baby in some areas. One area I have noticed this the most is in his speech. He says the most hysterical things, sometimes on purpose & sometimes out of "babyness." I want to share some with you:

• "I not can't find it" - I can't find it.
• "Slippers-sippairs" - The Berenstine Bears
• "Buzz take Woody spot. My daddy telled me so." Apparently Derrick told Dylan that Buzz took Woody's spot in the Toy Story movie. Derrick does not remember this conversation. 

Here's an exchange between Dylan & me this morning:

Dylan: We eat pillows?

Mama: No, we don't eat pillows.

D: We eat blankies?

M: No, we don't eat blankies.

D: We chew blankies? 

M: No...well, I guess you do.

D: Mama chew a blankie?

M: Nope, I don't chew a blankie.

D: Mama have a Geekie (Dylan's stuffed monkey)

M: Nope, Mama doesn't have a Geekie.

D: That sad, Mama. That sad. 

What a nut! We love how funny & goofy & smart he is getting. He makes us laugh every day & we are thankful for it!

D&C Follow-Up - April 2011

I want to thank everyone who has been praying for us over the last few days. We have felt your prayers & they have been an encouragement to us. It is a blessing to know that we are loved as we move through this phase in our lives. 

Surgery went pretty well yesterday. No major problems, but I had a much harder recovery than I expected. I feel much better today & was even able to go to work (a good thing since there were several things to finish up for the Good Friday service tonight). I am honestly feeling physically better than I have in weeks. Emotionally, I am still hurting & a little sensitive about things, but that's also somewhat normal (just ask my husband). 

We think we have decided on a name for this little one. Since we weren't able to find out gender & I don't want to get to heaven someday to have my baby say, "Mom, why did you name me a boy/girl name when I am a girl/boy?" we decided that we would try to find a gender neutral name. For anyone who knows me well, you know that this was a struggle. I love strong boy names & cute girl names & can't really figure out how to make them overlap. Derrick finally suggested Alex. That was a name I hadn't thought about, but it's a good one. Some of you might think it's a little weird to name this baby, but I think it will bring some healing & closure for us. 

We're through the surgery & recovery, but as I learned last time, sometimes the pain of the loss comes when you least expect it. Please continue to pray for us. I appreicate all of you so much for all your support & love!

Miscarriage - April 2011

My heart hurts as I write this. Tomorrow, April 21st, 2011, I will be going in for another D&C. We found out in February that following my D&C in January, we were expecting again. We were so excited & things seemed to be going well. No problems that we noticed, no nagging feeling to be prepared for the worst, only excitement (and a little nervousness following the previous pregnancy).

We went to the doctor on April 11th for a routine ultrasound & 10 week doctor's appointment. On the ultrasound, there was our baby. Looking back, although the u/s tech didn't say anything at first, I think she knew right away something was wrong. She took some pictures, & then zoomed in on our baby. No heartbeat. Measuring 8 weeks & 5 days. We got some precious pictures of our tiny baby. We decided to check one more time for a heartbeat the following week, knowing that sometimes things get missed & knowing that God can do miracles if he choses. We went back yesterday & there was no change. After talking to the doctor, we decided another D&C was the best option for us since my body is not miscarrying the way it should.

I am angry, as I am sure everyone understands. I cry out to God often, “Why, God? Why my baby? My is my baby dead?” I don't understand it & I am sure God understands my anger. My heart is broken over the loss of my baby that I will never get to hold & won't get to meet until I get to heaven. I hold it together pretty well in public, but by myself, I am a mess.

This is not what I saw for my life. I thought we'd have several little ones, close to the same age to all grow up together. I never expected to have problems getting pregnant, carrying a baby to term, or staying pregnant. I suppose no one sees that for their life though. My heart hurts because I know how much we want another baby & it feels like it will never happen.

So now what? We're going in at 9 am to prep for a 11 am surgery. We're working on picking a name to refer to this little one as. I am hoping the doctor will be able to tell us the gender, but I don't know. Not sure where we go after the surgery is over. Probably taking a break for a while as we regroup & decide what our next step is. Try for another biological child? Just wait for foster kids? Pursue an adoption? I don't know.

But then my sweet boy wakes up & I realize how blessed I am. He makes me smile & is so precious. He is smart & wonderful & a true testiment to how good God really is. If we never have another child, we know that we are lucky to be blessed with our preemie miracle.

Be praying for us. Derrick is doing a great job of being strong for me, but I know he is hurting, too. Pray for health & safety for me tomorrow. Pray that Dylan doesn't cause too much trouble for the sitter & Grandma Denise tomorrow ;) More than anything, pray that God will heal us, both physically & emotionally, & guide us in what to do next.

Thanks for all your support, love, & prayers.  

Family Update

I wasn't going to share this with everyone, but after thinking about it a while & remembering how therapeutic it was when Dylan was in the hospital, I've decided I need to blog.

On November 30, Derrick & I were thrilled to find out that we were expecting our second child. We had been hoping for another baby for many months & could not have been more excited about that positive pregnancy test. The pregnancy seemed to be going really well. No morning sickness, but I didn't have any with Dylan either. Starving, always having to pee, emotional. All the joys that come along with a pregnancy. Honestly, I didn't care. I was thrilled to even be pregnant.

Even though I was so excited to be pregnant, there was a nagging feeling saying, “Renee, don't get too attached. You need to prepare yourself.” I told both Derrick & Amy that I was feeling this way, but we all kind of chalked it up to just being nervous about this second pregnancy. The pregnancy continued to go on well. I had a tiny bit of pink spotting one evening, but nothing unusual for early in a pregnancy. We saw a nurse on December 21st to fill out paperwork & get all ready for my January 7th appointment. I was 7 ½ weeks at that appointment. Everything was fine & we were sent on our way. We told our extended family at Christmas that we were expecting, with the estimated due date of August 4th. Even then, I had some reservations about telling everyone, but I assumed that everything would be fine & I was just being paranoid.

Then January 7th came. I was 10 weeks. We were scheduled for an ultrasound because of some health problems that I have & to get a more accurate due date. As Derrick & I pulled into the doctor's office parking lot, I told him that I was really concerned about this appointment. My mom met us there & we checked in. I had forgotten to bring a urine sample with, so I had to give one at the doctor's office. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed some blood. Again, not uncommon, but strange for me. We went into ultrasound & I knew right away something wasn't right.

Even after checking for a long time with 2 different ultrasound devices, the tech was not able to find the baby. The gestational sac was there measuring 7 weeks, 3 days, but no baby. My very worst fears & what I had been preparing myself for was coming true. I held it together long enough for the tech to finish & step out of the room, & then I sobbed. My heart was breaking for the baby that I had wanted for so long that never developed. Derrick & I talked to the doctor & she gave us a couple of different options. Number 1 was to wait & see if the miscarriage would happen on it's own. Number 2 was to do a D&C to remove the sac. Number 3 was to take some medicine that would kickstart the miscarriage. We took over the weekend to talk about it & decide. The doctor couldn't do anything Friday anyway because I had had a respiratory infection of some sort & we needed to get that cleared up first. I was sent home with an antibiotic & the directions to call back to set up an appointment for Monday.

Monday morning I went back to the doctor. Since the miscarriage is not happening on it's own (no bleeding since Friday night) & I am not okay with taking medicine to start it happening, we have decided to go with the D&C. I finish my round of antibiotics today, so the doctor scheduled me for the procedure at 10:30 on Thursday. I am scared, but more because I have never been under general anesthetic before than anything else.

So be praying for us this week. Honestly, my heart is broken for my baby that should be 11 weeks the day we do the D&C. I feel like I was living a lie for several weeks, thinking there was a baby when there wasn't one. I have questioned God about why he would let me get pregnant just to rip it away, but I have to remind myself that we live in a fallen world & this stuff happens. Yes, God could have stopped it, but apparently there is something good that is to come from this. I haven't figured it out yet, but I didn't know what good could come from Dylan being born 3 months early either & now I can see what a testimony his little life is.

Even through this trial, I know how blessed I am. I have a handsome, wonderful son who makes us laugh every day. I have an amazing husband who has supported me through all of this. I have a great mom who takes care of me & is being strong so I don't have to. I have awesome friends who have encouraged me & have shared their stories of loss with me. And I have a big God who comforts me through all my trials, both big & small, who I know cares for me more than anyone I have mentioned above. Through our time in the hospital with Dylan, I learned more & more that God's ways are not our ways & we might not understand them, but he sees the whole picture.

Overall, we are doing okay. We are sad & disappointed, but we find comfort in the fact that the baby never really developed. I think Thursday & the days following will be hard, so we ask for your prayers & support as we walk through something that there is no manual about how to handle.