Miscarriage - April 2011

My heart hurts as I write this. Tomorrow, April 21st, 2011, I will be going in for another D&C. We found out in February that following my D&C in January, we were expecting again. We were so excited & things seemed to be going well. No problems that we noticed, no nagging feeling to be prepared for the worst, only excitement (and a little nervousness following the previous pregnancy).

We went to the doctor on April 11th for a routine ultrasound & 10 week doctor's appointment. On the ultrasound, there was our baby. Looking back, although the u/s tech didn't say anything at first, I think she knew right away something was wrong. She took some pictures, & then zoomed in on our baby. No heartbeat. Measuring 8 weeks & 5 days. We got some precious pictures of our tiny baby. We decided to check one more time for a heartbeat the following week, knowing that sometimes things get missed & knowing that God can do miracles if he choses. We went back yesterday & there was no change. After talking to the doctor, we decided another D&C was the best option for us since my body is not miscarrying the way it should.

I am angry, as I am sure everyone understands. I cry out to God often, “Why, God? Why my baby? My is my baby dead?” I don't understand it & I am sure God understands my anger. My heart is broken over the loss of my baby that I will never get to hold & won't get to meet until I get to heaven. I hold it together pretty well in public, but by myself, I am a mess.

This is not what I saw for my life. I thought we'd have several little ones, close to the same age to all grow up together. I never expected to have problems getting pregnant, carrying a baby to term, or staying pregnant. I suppose no one sees that for their life though. My heart hurts because I know how much we want another baby & it feels like it will never happen.

So now what? We're going in at 9 am to prep for a 11 am surgery. We're working on picking a name to refer to this little one as. I am hoping the doctor will be able to tell us the gender, but I don't know. Not sure where we go after the surgery is over. Probably taking a break for a while as we regroup & decide what our next step is. Try for another biological child? Just wait for foster kids? Pursue an adoption? I don't know.

But then my sweet boy wakes up & I realize how blessed I am. He makes me smile & is so precious. He is smart & wonderful & a true testiment to how good God really is. If we never have another child, we know that we are lucky to be blessed with our preemie miracle.

Be praying for us. Derrick is doing a great job of being strong for me, but I know he is hurting, too. Pray for health & safety for me tomorrow. Pray that Dylan doesn't cause too much trouble for the sitter & Grandma Denise tomorrow ;) More than anything, pray that God will heal us, both physically & emotionally, & guide us in what to do next.

Thanks for all your support, love, & prayers.