14 Years Down!

Derrick is currently preaching an amazing series on marriage titled, "I Don't - Misconceptions About Marriage." (Find videos of this series here) The timing is interesting. It was unplanned to be this way, but our anniversary falls right in the middle of this series. 

I am thankful for a husband who is passionate about marriage. A man who is determined to make it work. A friend who shares his marriage insight with others. A pastor who encourages others to make their marriage a priority. 

Before we got married, we agreed that no matter what, divorce was not an option. We didn't want to be a statistic. Most of our marriage has been amazing. Marrying your best friend will often help with that. But there have been times of tears, of slamming doors, of disappointment in each other. We were young, unprepared, & selfish when we got marriage. But the love was always there. Through all our downfalls, we each knew we would be lost without the other. 

Just before our wedding - May 22, 2004

In February, Derrick attended a men's conference here in town. A discussion came up about the stages of marriage. Here are the stages laid out for the men attending:

1 - Happy Honeymoon (Song of Solomon)

• Intensity
• Idealism
• Indulgence
• Infatuation
• Ignorance

2 - Despair Stage (Proverbs 27)

• Dullness
• Disagreements
• Defensiveness
• Disapproval
• Despair
• Leads to depression or divorce
• People either
• Break-up
• Break-down
• Break-through

3 - Deeper Love (Genesis 2:24)

2007ish?

Derrick was talking to a man who had been married less than 2 years. The man said that he didn't realize there are things like that in marriage. No one really sets that part up for you before you get married! Derrick told him that we have been married almost 14 years (what?! Crazy!) & that we have had our struggles, but that we have pulled through. But then Derrick told him something that makes my heart happy. He said, "Our marriage has always been good, but the last 7 years have definitely been better than the first 7." 

We were so young!
Also, we had no idea
what we were doing...

We recently rewatched our wedding video & all I saw on that young girl's face was adoration of her new husband. My best friend's dad videoed the ceremony, but after that, the camera was handed off to my best friend's husband for the reception. He somehow caught on film the feelings of that day. Those quiet moments when we didn't realize anyone was watching. The details on our wedding cake. The intimacy of our first dance. We were so in love...all of those things in stage 1. It was just us & we lived in a bubble of love & time & intimacy & newness. 
It was amazing. 

I'm sure I'm the only one who has
ever thought this... ;-)

But that initial love, the newness, it wears off. You're left with this person who never leaves & who you realize does lots of things that annoy you. Maybe you have a baby or 2 & debate on how to raise them. Finances get stretched. You get stressed. You drop, exhausted, into bed each night, forgetting the one who shares that intimate place with you. 

You go through the motions of life, just surviving. And it builds & builds. And then you look around one day & say, "Wait, what happened? How did we get from 'that' to 'this'?"

(Sidenote: Young lovers, newlyweds, you think this won't happen to you. It will. I don't know 2 people more in love than Derrick & I were. But it still happened to us. It's what happens next that really matters!)


Our stage 2 really ramped up in 2011. 7 years ago. We were a mess, but I don't think we knew it at first. We had a 2 year old & a foster child - a special needs infant. We had just gone through a traumatic miscarriage. Derrick was working full-time & I was staying at home with the kids. We were also leading youth group, I was volunteering in the nursery, Derrick ran tech stuff on Sunday mornings. We were serving God & were busy, but that busyness led to a breakdown of our relationship. We were exhausted & we were taking each other for granted. After a partial nervous breakdown & a God-led move across country, we were able to reconnect. 

I guess I should rephrase that: We took the time to reconnect. 

NBC banquet - 2014

Strong marriages aren't something that just happen. To make it from stage 2 to stage 3, it is a ton of work. Just like anything else, you have to WANT it to be better than it is. For me, stage 3 is a daily dying to self to put my selfishness aside & think about my husband's wants & needs. It's controlling my emotions in order to have a calm discussion instead of melting into a puddle of tears with every disagreement. It's communicating when it is easier to bottle everything up. It's hard. But seeing what our first 7 years were like & seeing what the last 7 years have been like, I think the work is worth it. 

(Side note #2: it also occurred to me that about 7 years into our marriage, we really started following God & doing what He was calling us to. We worked hard to get to where we are, but having God blessing you for your obedience doesn't hurt!)

I texted my BFF this week, telling her to thank her husband for the precious video we have of our reception. In the midst of my sentimental texts, I told her this: "14 years later the love is more real, but it was just so visible then. And we were babies! I'm so thankful for the marriage more than our wedding though. I want to say, 'Who would have thought our lives would turn out like this?' But really, this is exactly what I thought my life would be like. We are so blessed!"

Friends, make your spouse a priority. Pray for them & let them know that you are. 
Send them a card. Set up childcare & go to dinner. Put the kids to bed & watch a movie. Give your spouse a big kiss & gross out your kids. 

Ordination Interview
May 2018

You chose this person for the rest of your life...take the time to remind each other why you fell in love in the first place! 

I'm specifically praying for marriages this week...I'd love to have you join me! 

But God...

Last week I was talking to my mom about wanting a necklace I could put birthstones in, but I didn't want something permanent because our family could still change. I remembered that there are lockets that hold charms, but after looking into a few, they all seemed so expensive. I put it on the back burner & figured I'd throw it out as a birthday or Mother's Day gift idea for next year. 

When I was visiting the NICU on Monday, there was a gift bag near Matthew's bed. I assumed it was for me, but it was never given to me, so I left it alone. When I was back Thursday, Matthew's nurse gave it to me. Dylan helped me open it, pulling out things & handing them to me. A card, a candle, a few other items. But the last thing he pulled out was a locket, exactly like I had been looking for. It has a charm that says "love," a preemie awareness ribbon, & Matthew's birthstone. There was a card in with the necklace with a Facebook page of the lady who sells the necklaces (Denise - The Scarf and Jewelry Lady). I contacted her because I wanted to go purchase charms for Dylan & Andrew & for other important things in my life. When my mom & I went to her house/shop, she was telling me that the Silver Linings Foundation purchases them from her each year, but they never know much about the people they are going to. How I ended up with a necklace with Matthew's birthstone is a mystery...but God.

The sweet lady let me sift through her charms for an hour looking for exactly what I wanted & helped me make sure they would all fit. And she put up with me changing my mind about a few & switched them out for me before we left her house. Also, she had really adorable puppies (okay, they were actually small dogs) that let us carry them around.

So here's what I ended up with:

3 heart birthstones - one for each of my boys!

1 emerald stone - Derrick & I were married in May, so that's the stone for that month

My preemie awareness ribbon - I never would have picked it myself, but I love it. Preemies are part of who our family is now!

A cross with pink stones & a Jesus charm - a reminder of what God has done & is still doing for us.

A silver heart with "Loved Always" on it - representing our foster babies who are always loved in our hearts, even if they aren't still in our home.

And finally, a silver background plate that says "Pray More, Worry Less."

Our family has had a whirlwind of a last year, but the last 6 months have been especially difficult. Family changes (so many changes!), big decisions, medical issues... it's overwhelming in all ways. 

But God...

God has carried us through. He has been healing our hearts. He brought our Matthew back from the edge between life & death. He has spoken  very clearly to Derrick & I separately about a big decision we needed to make. He has kept our family strong while we have been separated. He has never left us. What a blessing it is to be reminded that God in heaven cares about me. This necklace is a reminder of my life & family, but most of all, it is a reminder that life can be crazy...but God