1. If you could do one thing differently in your life, what would it be?
I would not have waited so long to have/try to have kids. I really can't figure out what we were waiting for. I always thought I would have my kids when I was young & that they would be really close together. So far that has not been the way things have turned out. It took us quite a while to get pregnant with Dylan & since we stopped using birth control when he was 6 months old, we have not been blessed with any more babies (until now! 30 weeks this week!) We should have trusted God to give us the babies he wanted us to have in the time he wanted us to have them. So far his plan has worked out better than ours would have...
2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
At home with my little ones, homeschooling. Assisting my husband in ministry (Pastor's wife - Yikes! Colleges don't offer classes on how to do that!)
3. Do you honestly want [more] kids?
Yes. I grew up as an only child & Derrick is one of three with a fourth adopted sibling to come along when he was almost an adult. Being with their family is so much fun. Siblings, cousins, aunts & uncles, grandparents. There are so many people in his extended family that if you can't find someone to be around, you are just not trying very hard! I feel like I missed out on that & I want my kids to have those types of relationships.
4. What has been the best moment of your life so far?
Marrying my best friend. The day I met him I felt God say to me, "That's the one." I was 14 & dating someone else at the time. Who hears that kind of thing from God at 14? I think God told me because I tend to be a little impulsive & he didn't want me to do something stupid between then & when God spoke to Derrick about it. Patience is not my strong suit.
Watching our wedding video makes me melt into a puddle every time. We were so in love (and young! I was 19, Derrick was 22). We were so ready to take on the world & I am so proud to say that, although we have struggled at times, we will celebrate our 9th anniversary this month.
5. What is your life theme song?
That's a hard one. I don't know that I really have one. Mine seems to change based on what's going on in my life. I like a lot of different music, so maybe jut music in general? I think my life theme song is really just whatever is speaking to my heart at the moment.
6. What is one thing you have yet to accomplish that you want to do before you die?
Go to the east coast & visit all the historical stuff there.
Go to Germany & try to track down more info about our families.
7. If you could choose one thing to be known for, what would it be?
Being a woman of God & a prayer warrior for the needs of others.
8. If you could do anything you wanted right in this very moment (no consequences, no fear, etc), what would it be?
Move to a bigger place & adopt several little ones
Go to Iowa & visit
9. What has been the most challenging moment in your life?
Most people would assume that it would be 2008, the year that Dylan was born since I had such a rough pregnancy & since he was so early & sick. Derrick & I spent most of Dylan's first 3 months separated because I was staying close to the hospital & Derrick was home working. We saw each other a few days a week for almost 3 months. But I feel like we came out of that much stronger than we went in.
2011 was much worse. We miscarried twice that year. Once in January with a blighted ovum (sac had developed, but no baby). We immediately got pregnant again & lost that baby at 8 weeks, 5 days. We didn't find out until 10 weeks. I was devastated. I had a D&C a week later, just before Easter. I went to church Easter Sunday & hardly held it together. I am sure God understood my feelings, but it was very hard to sing about the hope in Jesus when my precious baby had just been taken from me. A few days after that procedure, we received a call to take a 3 month old, possibly blind, abused, little boy. Looking back, we NEVER should have done that. I was not ready. But we took him anyway. I was not recovering from the D&C well. I was bleeding a lot for a long time & was not in any shape to take care of a toddler & a special needs infant. One day we had to take the boys to the doctor & Derrick had to meet me there when he got off work. I made him drive the boys home because I was losing so much blood that I thought I might pass out driving the car. I ended up being fine, but overall, my physical recovery was very slow.
My emotional healing was even slower. I was depressed. There is no way to get around it. I missed my baby. I was trying to handle a toddler & an infant while still working part time. There were days that I only got out of bed because the babies needed me. Baby A had a ton of appointments due to all the trauma he had been through. And through everything we had going on, I could not figure out how to share my feelings with anyone, including Derrick or my BFF Amy. I was a mess inside, but didn't know how to tell anyone that. Derrick seemed to have worked through the situation & didn't mention it much. Honestly, we never really talked much about it at all. So I went MONTHS without sharing with anyone. I threw around the idea of seeing a counselor. We even got the information from the insurance company about who I could see. So I guess Derrick had some idea that I was struggling, but I don't think he understood where I was at or what he could do about it.
One night we were laying in bed & Derrick was already asleep. I thought to myself that I could just leave. I was done. I didn't want to be there any more. I didn't want to continue to deal with the marriage. I couldn't do it. I had 2 major problems that kept me from leaving. Number one was that I knew I couldn't leave the kids. As much as it broke my heart (and still does when I look back at it), at the time, I totally could have walked away from the marriage. I really was that depressed & overwhelmed. But I knew I couldn't leave those boys. Dylan was mine & we were the first bit of stability that Baby A had had in his life. I just knew leaving them wasn't okay. Problem number 2 was that anyone I went to would have sent me straight back home. (Okay, they may have let me spend the rest of the night, but I would have been plopped back on my own doorstep the next morning). Thankfully my friends & family wouldn't have let me walk out on my marriage. So thanks friends and family!
That night as I was laying there, trying to decide what to do, I burst into tears. Derrick woke up & held me. I sobbed. Poor guy had no idea what was going on. When I finally calmed down enough to talk, there were a lot of issues that came out...but none of them were the true issue. Eventually, in the midst of an argument that was really stupid, I remember blurting out, "I miss my baby." And then I sobbed some more. And that is what began to heal our marriage. For the first time in months, I was able to share my heart with my husband the way that I should have been at the beginning. He had no idea that I was still struggling so much. He was able to walk through the healing with me. The pain is still there sometimes, but I know that I can talk to him about it & he will help me any way he can.
Later that year we decided to make a major move in order for Derrick to get back into school for pastoral ministries. We moved in February 2012. We never would have been able to both get on the same page regarding the move had those lines of communication not been opened back up.
Through the time that we were going through everything, this song touched my heart (read: made me cry while driving down the road).
Mandisa - "Stronger"
10. Summarize yourself in one word. Still-learning (the hyphen makes it one word, right?)
And now I think you are supposed to link to my blog or leave your blog link or something & answer these questions on your blog...maybe? Anyway, have fun!
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