Questions

So I'll admit that I am a little new to the blogging world. I mean, I blog & I read other people's, but I don't really understand passing the questions around & what not. I like it, I just don't get it. So Meggan at Meggan's Moments, if I am screwing this up, sorry! I really am not sure what's going on!

1. If you could do one thing differently in your life, what would it be?

I would not have waited so long to have/try to have kids. I really can't figure out what we were waiting for. I always thought I would have my kids when I was young & that they would be really close together. So far that has not been the way things have turned out. It took us quite a while to get pregnant with Dylan & since we stopped using birth control when he was 6 months old, we have not been blessed with any more babies (until now! 30 weeks this week!) We should have trusted God to give us the babies he wanted us to have in the time he wanted us to have them. So far his plan has worked out better than ours would have...


2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

At home with my little ones, homeschooling. Assisting my husband in ministry (Pastor's wife - Yikes! Colleges don't offer classes on how to do that!) 

3. Do you honestly want [more] kids?

Yes. I grew up as an only child & Derrick is one of three with a fourth adopted sibling to come along when he was almost an adult. Being with their family is so much fun. Siblings, cousins, aunts & uncles, grandparents. There are so many people in his extended family that if you can't find someone to be around, you are just not trying very hard! I feel like I missed out on that & I want my kids to have those types of relationships.

4. What has been the best moment of your life so far?
 

Marrying my best friend. The day I met him I felt God say to me, "That's the one." I was 14 & dating someone else at the time. Who hears that kind of thing from God at 14? I think God told me because I tend to be a little impulsive & he didn't want me to do something stupid between then & when God spoke to Derrick about it. Patience is not my strong suit.

Watching our wedding video makes me melt into a puddle every time. We were so in love (and young! I was 19, Derrick  was 22). We were so ready to take on the world & I am so proud to say that, although we have struggled at times, we will celebrate our 9th anniversary this month. 

5. What is your life theme song?

That's a hard one. I don't know that I really have one. Mine seems to change based on what's going on in my life. I like a lot of different music, so maybe jut music in general? I think my life theme song is really just whatever is speaking to my heart at the moment.

6. What is one thing you have yet to accomplish that you want to do before you die?
Go to the east coast & visit all the historical stuff there. 
Go to Germany & try to track down more info about our families. 

7. If you could choose one thing to be known for, what would it be?

Being a woman of God & a prayer warrior for the needs of others. 

8. If you could do anything you wanted right in this very moment (no consequences, no fear, etc), what would it be?

Move to a bigger place & adopt several little ones

Go to Iowa & visit

9. What has been the most challenging moment in your life?

2011 - No question

Most people would assume that it would be 2008, the year that Dylan was born since I had such a rough pregnancy & since he was so early & sick. Derrick & I spent most of Dylan's first 3 months separated because I was staying close to the hospital & Derrick was home working. We saw each other a few days a week for almost 3 months. But I feel like we came out of that much stronger than we went in. 

2011 was much worse. We miscarried twice that year. Once in January with a blighted ovum (sac had developed, but no baby). We immediately got pregnant again & lost that baby at 8 weeks, 5 days. We didn't find out until 10 weeks. I was devastated. I had a D&C a week later, just before Easter. I went to church Easter Sunday & hardly held it together. I am sure God understood my feelings, but it was very hard to sing about the hope in Jesus when my precious baby had just been taken from me. A few days after that procedure, we received a call to take a 3 month old, possibly blind, abused, little boy. Looking back, we NEVER should have done that. I was not ready. But we took him anyway. I was not recovering from the D&C well. I was bleeding a lot for a long time & was not in any shape to take care of a toddler & a special needs infant. One day we had to take the boys to the doctor & Derrick had to meet me there when he got off work. I made him drive the boys home because I was losing so much blood that I thought I might pass out driving the car. I ended up being fine, but overall, my physical recovery was very slow. 

My emotional healing was even slower. I was depressed. There is no way to get around it. I missed my baby. I was trying to handle a toddler & an infant while still working part time. There were days that I only got out of bed because the babies needed me. Baby A had a ton of appointments due to all the trauma he had been through. And through everything we had going on, I could not figure out how to share my feelings with anyone, including Derrick or my BFF Amy. I was a mess inside, but didn't know how to tell anyone that. Derrick seemed to have worked through the situation & didn't mention it much. Honestly, we never really talked much about it at all. So I went MONTHS without sharing with anyone. I threw around the idea of seeing a counselor. We even got the information from the insurance company about who I could see. So I guess Derrick had some idea that I was struggling, but I don't think he understood where I was at or what he could do about it. 

One night we were laying in bed & Derrick was already asleep. I thought to myself that I could just leave. I was done. I didn't want to be there any more. I didn't want to continue to deal with the marriage. I couldn't do it. I had 2 major problems that kept me from leaving. Number one was that I knew I couldn't leave the kids. As much as it broke my heart (and still does when I look back at it), at the time, I totally could have walked away from the marriage. I really was that depressed & overwhelmed. But I knew I couldn't leave those boys. Dylan was mine & we were the first bit of stability that Baby A had had in his life. I just knew leaving them wasn't okay. Problem number 2 was that anyone I went to would have sent me straight back home. (Okay, they may have let me spend the rest of the night, but I would have been plopped back on my own doorstep the next morning). Thankfully my friends & family wouldn't have let me walk out on my marriage. So thanks friends and family! 

That night as I was laying there, trying to decide what to do, I burst into tears. Derrick woke up & held me. I sobbed. Poor guy had no idea what was going on. When I finally calmed down enough to talk, there were a lot of issues that came out...but none of them were the true issue. Eventually, in the midst of an argument that was really stupid, I remember blurting out, "I miss my baby." And then I sobbed some more. And that is what began to heal our marriage. For the first time in months, I was able to share my heart with my husband the way that I should have been at the beginning. He had no idea that I was still struggling so much. He was able to walk through the healing with me. The pain is still there sometimes, but I know that I can talk to him about it & he will help me any way he can. 

Later that year we decided to make a major move in order for Derrick to get back into school for pastoral ministries. We moved in February 2012. We never would have been able to both get on the same page regarding the move had those lines of communication not been opened back up. 

Through the time that we were going through everything, this song touched my heart (read: made me cry while driving down the road). 

Mandisa - "Stronger"

10. Summarize yourself in one word. Still-learning (the hyphen makes it one word, right?)



And now I think you are supposed to link to my blog or leave your blog link or something & answer these questions on your blog...maybe? Anyway, have fun!

28 Week Appointment

We have officially made it longer this pregnancy than we did with Dylan AND I am in the 3rd trimester. Hooray! That is so exciting for us.

This week I went in for my 28 week appointment. It did not go as well as my 24 week appointment did. At my 24 week appointment I was told that the baby looked great, my blood pressure was great, and that I was overall doing awesome. So when I went in this week, I expected to get the same sort of results. That was not the case.

Baby still looks great. He is measuring the right size and, according to the ultrasound, has already surpassed Dylan's birth weight. So exciting. He looks healthy, so there aren't any worries about him at this point. He is completely breech though, with this head right below my rib cage & his bottom & legs on my bladder. Since I have crazy insides, there is a good chance that he won't flip before my due date, so it is a blessing that we are already planning a scheduled c-section.

Now on to me - the doctor is concerned about my blood pressure. I have been on blood pressure meds, low dose aspirin, & another heart health vitamin since the beginning of my pregnancy & they have been keeping my blood pressure under control really well up until now. When I went in this week, my blood pressure was higher than normal. The nurse (who tends to overreact), was really worked up, but the doctor (who knows my history a little better) was concerned, but didn't freak out. He did however, put me on another blood pressure med & tell me to come back in a week for a recheck. We aren't really sure if the spike in my blood pressure is due to my preeclampsia showing up again or if it was high because I had taken Sudafed for two nights before my appointment, not realizing that you aren't supposed to take it if you have high blood pressure. Whoops.

They also did lab work this week - Glucose testing (to check for gestational diabetes), a 24 hour urine collection (to check for protein - a strong indicator of preeclampsia), and several blood draws (one was for the glucose, but I am not sure what the others were for). My appointment was late in the afternoon on Tuesday, so I am assuming the results will be in Thursday sometime. So now we wait. My doctor is supposed to call if there is anything abnormal with any of the results. If he hasn't called by Friday, I will be calling just to make sure that everything is fine.

Overall, I am actually feeling pretty good. I am having some minor swelling in my feet, but that's really about it. I am thankful that this has been a relatively easy pregnancy & that my doctor is very proactive about keeping me on track. I would appreciate your prayers though - even though we think that everything is probably okay, it still makes us nervous. I will update when we hear something!

Anatomy Lesson?

So in order to really understand some things about my pregnancies, you need to have an overview of my internal "issues." Just before I got married I went in for my first gynecological exam. After being given a clean bill of health, I continued to go to the doctor once a year for a check up. When we decided that we were ready to have a baby, it was taking us a lot longer than one would expect it to take. We went to the doctor & they made all sorts of suggestions about what we could do to increase our chances, including fertility drugs of some sort. I was not interested in going that route...and there was no way we had the money to attempt that. So we continued to try on our own.

In 2007 we moved back to Davenport & I went back to the same clinic I had been seen at before I got married. The doctor realized there was something not right about my female parts.

So this is what normal female reproductive organs look like:

Image from: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/your-guide-female-reproductive-system

And this is what my reproductive organs look like: 

Image from: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1521693409001205

Even as a non-medical person, I am sure you can see why this is an issue. There are a lot of things that have to come together correctly to result in a healthy baby in a normal reproductive situation. Then there is me...In our case, there are a ton more things that need to happen just right in order to get a baby. So, that explains why it had taken so long for us to get Dylan, and again why it took us so long to get pregnant with the little one we lost in 2011, and this time, with the sweet baby who will hopefully stay put until June. 

So basically, right now, my insides look like this (aside from the fact that my little stinker is breech): 

Image from: http://sincanokhanankara.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/woman-with-two-wombs-gives-birth-to-a-one-in-a-million-baby-girl/

I share all this for a few reasons:

#1 - I know there are other women out there with this condition who either don't know that they have it or who think it means that pregnancy is not going to happen for them. My advice? Find a really great gynecologist & get checked. 

#2 - I have told people about my condition & they think I am crazy. So, friends, I am not crazy. This is not a common issue, but it is real. 

#3 - We will be delivering this baby by c-section. Hopefully it will be a scheduled c-section at the end of June. If something happens, we will deliver by c-section earlier. I have several people tell me that "just because I had a c-section with Dylan doesn't mean I have to have one this time." I know that and my doctor told me he would support my decision either way, but if it was his choice, he would advise us to do the c-section. While I appreciate the feedback from friends, we have weighed the options & we feel like this is the safest delivery for both me & the baby. I'm high risk. I have a uterus didelphys, I have high blood pressure, and I have the possibility of a repeat of preelampsia. Besides all of those things, since this little guy is breech, he may not have the room to flip before delivery since my uteruses are smaller than normal sized uteruses would be. After experiencing a kind of emergency c-section delivery with Dylan, I would rather have this completely controlled, if possible. 

So that's our situation. Please keep us in your prayers, but know that things are going pretty well and we are so excited as we get ready for this little guy to join us!

Thumbs Up & Thumbs Down

I started this blog several months ago, then got distracted & never finished it. So it might be a little out of date...I'm finishing it & posting it anyway!

My friend Meggan (http://meggansmomentsblog.blogspot.com/) runs a pretty successful blog. I love reading it. One of my favorite parts are her posts about "Roses & Thorns." This is where she shares some good & bad things of her week. After the few days I've had, I decided that I want to do something similar. So Thumbs Up & Thumbs Down is born!

This week (honestly several months ago now):
Thumbs Down:
- Family letting their 1 1/2 year old wander the grocery store eating a corn dog & chewing on a still wrapped candy bar. Although at least the candy bar wasn't opened, right? (Side note: This week I saw a lady eating something in the check out line. I see people all the time wandering around Walmart eating popcorn chicken. What is this about? Why is it considered okay?!)
- Morning (or in my case - mid-morning) sickness. Yuck. (And yes, several months later, I am still experiencing unexpected & occasional morning sickness.)

Thumbs Up:
- Seeing a 4 door sedan with the licence plate "Poorsh." That's awesome.
- Preschool shows. As annoying as they can be, I have silence in my house right now (aside from the sounds of Little Einsteins).
- Pregnancy! Even with the morning sickness, I still love being pregnant! (And if I make it 5 more days, I will be pregnant longer than I was with Dylan! Double thumbs up!)
- Little boys. I cannot believe I was once sad about Dylan not being a girl. He is nuts and hilarious. How can you not give a thumbs up to someone who is so imaginative and creative? And crazy. For real. He sure keeps us entertained!

Easter! He is RISEN!

Today we are celebrating our first Easter away from home. The first time we have celebrated the resurrection of Christ without family to share it with. While that is sad for us, we feel blessed to have awesome friends who have invited us to spend the afternoon with them.

As I reflected on Easter this morning, my mind was taken back to Easter two years ago. It did not fall on the same weekend - it was actually a weekend in mid-April. The week before Easter, we had discovered that we had miscarried our sweet baby at 10 weeks. I had a D&C to deliver our baby on the Thursday before Good Friday. As we headed to church that Easter Sunday, I was still recovering, emotionally, spiritually  and physically. That is the nice way of saying that I was a mess. I was so heartbroken over the loss of my tiny baby that I didn't know if I could even make it through the day. I know I went through the motions that day. I attended the Sunrise Service, ate the awesome breakfast, watched Dylan hunt for Easter eggs, & sang in the choir. It was a struggle to sing about Christ's resurrection all the while remembering my baby who had died & who God had not healed, even through I prayed & prayed that he would.

I am still emotional as I think about that baby who would be 17 months old this Easter. It makes me sad that we won't get to meet & enjoy that baby until we get to heaven one day. My heart still aches from that loss. I can tell you that I still don't understand why that baby was taken from us. I have some theories, but I know I won't ever fully know why until God tells me someday. But one thing that I am sure of - God gives & God takes away. Sometimes it is easy to focus on only how God takes away.

This weekend, at the Good Friday service, I was reminded that I not the only woman who has lost a child. Mary, the mother of Jesus, saw her oldest son, her first baby boy, suffer and die on the cross. What unimaginable pain for a mother. I was also reminded that while Jesus was God & understood the purpose behind his death, his mother was fully human & was watching her baby suffer for reasons she did not understand. She didn't know that he would rise again. She wasn't aware of the full picture surrounding her son's death until he came back to Earth. And even then, while I am sure she believed in him, I would assume that she still didn't fully understand. I feel like I am in kind of the same boat as Mary in regards to the baby we lost. I don't understand it, but God does, and He always works out things for good & for His purposes.

This Easter, I am well aware of how God takes away, but I am also thankful for what he gives us.

Last night, on the eve of the 3rd Easter since we lost our tiny baby, Derrick was able to feel the movement of the new baby that God has blessed us with. God has given me a very easy pregnancy this time, a true gift after the hard pregnancy with Dylan in 2008 & the miscarriage in 2011. We feel so thankful for this baby boy who will be joining us this summer. We are grateful that God chose to give us another child. And we are thankful that Mary's Son did not stay dead, but that he came back to life to save us all from eternity in hell away from Him. I am thankful that God is in control, even when we don't understand what He is doing.

And I am thankful for our sweet 4 year old who is already here with us. I will leave you with another Dylan-ism: This morning, Dylan wanted to know all the names of Jesus. I told him that he is called Jesus, God, Son of God. He reminded me about the name Lamb of God. Then I told him that sometimes Jesus is also called Redeemer. Dylan looked at me a minute, then asked me, "Why do they call Jesus a lemur?"

So today, remember to celebrate Jesus the Lemur!...I mean, Jesus the Redeemer!

Dylanisms Part 3

As Dylan is getting older, his use of words makes more sense than it used to. Now he just says hilarious & crazy things. Future Sunday school teachers, look out...I think we've got a class clown on our hands!
* While drinking a glass of water - "Mama, this is pancake juice. I love pancake juice. It's delicious!"
* Dylan: "See my belly button?"
   Me: "Yes, what about it?"
   Dylan: "It's on my belly."
* Hop-spit-tal = hospital
* While eating pizza: "Mama, can you give me another 'pretend stick'?" Come to find out, he meant BREADstick!
*Bwacamole = Guacamole
* While Derrick was shaking out a rug, Dylan asked him, "Is that your friend?" Derrick answered, "The rug? Is the rug your friend?"
* Stalling going to bed:
Dylan: "Mama, where is my bunny?"
Me: "What bunny?"
Dylan: "The bunny what is blue & has eggs on it. He is soooo cute."
*Stunk = skunk
Oh Dylan. Thanks for bringing constant joy & entertainment into our lives.

Part 1 of the Moving Series: We Made It!

We're here. In our new home in Colorado. Although the trip & apartment situation did not go as smoothly as I had hoped they would, we are here. We are (mostly) settled. We are learning to find our way around the city. We are enjoying family time. I am loving having some peace in my life after a very chaotic last year.

Here's the run-down about our trip:

We (Derrick, Dylan, my mom Denise, & I) left Saturday, February 4th for our 14 hour, 3 day trip to Colorado Springs. Our original plan was to leave around lunch time so Dylan could nap in the car, then we changed our minds & decided to try to go to pancake breakfast at the American Legion & then leave from there. Our plans changed once more after the unexpected death of Derrick's 2nd cousin, who the family was very close to. He passed away on a Wednesday night & the funeral was Saturday morning. We attended his beautiful service & then grabbed some lunch & headed on our way. Derrick's parents were following the next day with the U-Haul trailer & their truck & we were all planning on meeting up in Colorado Springs Monday.

Because we like to do things the difficult way, we decided to leave the day that a major snowstorm was going across Iowa. We had planned to stop in Missouri Valley, IA & visit with our good friends Dave & Jodi & their kids. With the weather in that area, that was just not possible (or very smart). We contacted another friend of mine about staying with them in Kansas City & just taking the southern route to Colorado Springs. She was excited to see us & we were thankful for somewhere to stay. We thought we had it all worked out...and then the flu struck them 2 days before we left. After talking to her on the morning of the 4th, we decided we would still try to meet them for dinner, but that staying at their house probably wasn't the best idea. We told them we would contact them when we were close & we could make plans. We drove across Iowa to Des Moines & then headed south towards Kansas City. The snow wasn't too bad & the roads looked okay. Of course, the one thing we hadn't planned for was the ice. It had been sleeting & had covered the road. As Derrick was driving down the interstate, he hit a spot of ice/snow slush that had built up on the edge of the interstate. The van started to slide & fish tale. I glanced to the right & noticed 2 semis beside & behind us. I had a flash in my mind of "we are all going to die after getting hit by this truck." And I prayed. I couldn't figure out why God would bring us out to the interstate just to be crushed by a semi. After a few minutes of trying to get the van under control, Derrick finally wrestled it back to where it needed to be. My mom, Derrick, & I were terrified, but so thankful that everything was okay.

Dylan watching a movie. Such a good traveler!

Dylan had no idea what even happened...he was happily watching a movie. If I had been driving, we would have been done for the day...I would have called it quits. But Derrick, because he is either awesome or crazy, pulled over to a gas station, collected himself, rested a bit, & got us back out on the road. The rest of the trip was uneventful, aside from going a little slower than normal.




Eventually we made it to Kansas City. We contacted our friends Tammy & Joey & their family. It was such a blessing to get to see them. We have talked a few times & keep in touch on facebook, but this is the first time we had seen them in 6 years. Their oldest daughter has grown from an early teenager into a sweet, mature, wonderful young adult. Their middle son is no longer a toddler (he was Dylan's age when we last saw them!), but is now an eight year old boy. Their youngest son was not even born when we saw them last - he is just as sweet & fun as the rest of the family!

Amadeus, Dylan, & Amaziah playing in the fort they built

The boys had a great time playing that night & had a wonderful time together at their church the following morning. I loved being able to catch up with the family & discussing some possible career leads for Derrick in the future (although it's a bit early to be thinking about that right now!) We had such a good time with them & can't wait to visit with them again soon!



After a quick lunch, we got back on the road. I drove quite a bit of the way across Kansas & the weather was beautiful. We were definitely thankful for the nice weather after the travel conditions the day before. We drove to Oakley, KS & stayed overnight there. We swam in the pool, watched The Voice & got the last good night's sleep for a few days.

Us at the Colorado border!

Monday we headed back on the road. We figured we would arrive in Colorado Springs between 12 & 1pm. The drive was nice, but honestly, by this point, we were all ready to be out of the car. Dylan had done fantastic & everything had gone pretty smoothly after the rough start on Saturday. We were so excited when we finally got to Colorado! For those of you who have never been to Colorado, the whole state is not covered in mountains like I thought it would be. It looked a lot like Iowa until we got close to Colorado Springs. That was disappointing. They were gorgeous once we got to them though!

After 3 days of driving, we finally arrived in Colorado Springs! We thought things would be all downhill from there. Well, they were; but not in the way we expected. We planned on signing our apartment lease, unloading the van, waiting for Derrick's parents, unloading the U-Haul, returning it, sightseeing. That is not exactly what happened. We showed up at the apartment complex & were told that we couldn't sign the lease yet because the lady had to go show an apartment. We were asked to come back in 15 minutes. We went & got some lunch & came back. There was a sign on the building that they were gone for lunch & would be back. So we waited. Derrick parents arrived. We finally went in to talk to the lady & we seemed to be a burden to her. She took us to see the apartment. It was way smaller than the floor plan indicated. For those who saw our house in Davenport, the apartment was supposed to have more square footage than our main floor did. It was definitely WAY smaller. Our moms saw it & agreed that it just was not going to work. It was also supposed to come furnished with a washer/dryer unit. That was not there. When we asked about it, the lady said it must have been miscommunication, but she could tell us somewhere to rent one. When I told her that we didn't want to rent one because we could have brought our own with us, she didn't really seem to care that much. Since we weren't very impressed with the people there, we decided to take some time & look elsewhere. I may have had a mild panic attack. I didn't want to keep putting Dylan back in the van & moving from place to place. The poor kid had already asked me if one of the hotels was his new house.

Derrick contacted our pastor, who got in touch with a friend in the area who is the maintenance supervisor at an apartment complex. We contacted the complex & found out that they had units available, but that it was too late in the day to show them & that we were welcome to come over in the morning to check them out. So we spent another night in a hotel. I was so worried. There is nothing quite like not knowing where you are going to go with your child. After another evening of swimming, watching the Voice, & restless sleep, we left Dylan with my mom & Derrick's parents to go check out an apartment. As soon as we walked into the office, the feeling was so much better. The lady was so sweet & was apologetic that our other unit hadn't worked out. She showed us an apartment that was awesome, relatively large, & had laundry facilities right outside the door. She ran our background checks around 9:30 in the morning & we were signing paperwork at 1pm.

We LOVE our new apartment! We love it more than we loved our house in Davenport. It is the perfect size, in a safe neighborhood, with quiet neighbors. We don't have our own laundry, but the laundry room is never busy. It's not as convenient of a location as the other complex was, but it has made us branch out & check out the rest of the city. And this is the view from behind our apartment:

Doesn't really get much better than that.