Letting God Prepare the Way

So overall, I am very excited for our move. I am loving the idea of a 1 story, first floor apartment instead of our house with a basement laundry room. No more stairs...yes, please! I am super excited about the gym & pool on site (no more paying for a gym membership). Dylan & Casey will be super excited about the playground & dog park at the apartment complex. Derrick loves that our apartment is only a 5-10 minute walk to the college, where he will also be working. Derrick & I both love that the apartment complex is a gated community, where I can feel safe while Derrick is gone at work & class a lot. And really, who wouldn't love this view?

(Photo courtesy of http://www.facebook.com/NBCStudents)

But then I start thinking. And thinking gets me in trouble. The things that most commonly comes through my mind are, "How am I going to be able to do this without my mom?" followed by, "How can I do this without my best friend Amy?" Sunday at church I had a little breakdown. I was listening to the worship team, realizing this would be one of the last times I would be here listening to them & I lost it. I excused myself & went to the bathroom to get some tissues (& some self-control). And there I found out how God plans things out, even to the smallest detail. Standing in the bathroom were my friend Lindsay & a lady named D'Lee. Both of these ladies understand what I am going through. D'Lee has moved several times, generally not knowing anyone when she arrived. Lindsay moved from Nashville to Davenport 3 years ago with her tiny baby & her husband so he could attend school. They are now preparing to move to Washington state for him to join his dad's Chiro practice. If 2 ladies know what I am going through, it would be them! They both told me that while moving is hard, God has always provided a wonderful church family & dear friends in every place that they have lived. They got me calmed down & while I am still a little bit of an emotional wreck, I know that God is preparing the way for us. Just as He sent 2 wonderful ladies ahead of me to comfort me (even if they didn't know they were going to be used for that when they went to the bathroom), I know He is preparing the right friends for me in Colorado Springs (and He is preparing me to be the friend that they need!) He didn't allow me to cry alone in the church bathroom - I know He won't allow me to go through this relocation alone. 


If this move is God's will for us (& we believe it is), then we know that He will prepare the way before us. He will provide us with what we need, whether it be financially, physically, or in my case, emotionally. As I am writing this, one of my favorite songs, Stronger, by Mandisa, came across my YouTube page. This song has gotten me through this very emotionally draining year that we've had. I was trying to figure out how to end this blog & then I heard this song. I'll leave you with the video & the lyrics to my favorite part of the song. 

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/stronger_lyrics_mandisa.html
All about Mandisa: http://www.musictory.com/music/Mandisa

What a Difference a Year Makes

When I named by blog "Content in the Chaos," it was because I was in the midst of dealing with a toddler, we were foster parenting, we were volunteering at church & things were just overall a little nuts. I assumed CHAOS was a great word for what was going on in our lives then. Apparently it was also some foresight into what the last year has been like for us & what the future holds.


This year has been full of ups & downs. In January of last year, we found out that we had miscarried our very much prayed for second baby. I had been having some spotting & was nervous about what that meant. Upon an ultrasound at the doctor's office, my worst fears were coming true. I was miscarrying. What had actually happened is that while the amniotic sac was there, there was no baby. I ended up having a D&C done. That was heartbreaking, but we were able to conceive again in February. We were thrilled! We went in for a routine check in April. As we pulled into the parking lot at the doctor's office, I told Derrick that I was really, really worried. He thought I was being kind of paranoid (which wasn't a bad assessment - I tend to get a little jumpy sometimes). I told him that I just really had a bad feeling about things. We went in for the ultrasound & there was our baby...but there was no movement & no heartbeat. We did a recheck a week later & there was no change. I should have been 11 weeks, but instead, the baby was measuring 8.5. I ended up having a second D&C done on April 21st. 


On April 25th, we were called to become foster parents to a 3 month old boy (baby A) with some special needs. I can't say a lot about that situation, other than that he was with us from April 25th until December 25th. We fully intended to keep him until he either went back home or until we adopted him, but as he grew, we realized that his special needs were not something we could handle long term. In hindsight, we never should have taken Baby A in when we did. I had not allowed myself the time I needed to grieve the loss of my baby before taking on the responsibility of another baby. We gave notice to his social worker that we would not be able to adopt him, but that we would love to keep him until another perfect family came along. I can tell you today that he has now been placed with another family & that they are a much better fit for him than we were. They are completely in love with him & hope to get to adopt him soon! 


The time from the D&C in April & July or August were terrible. I did not handle that miscarriage & surgery well. I had a ton of guilt regarding meds that I had taken for a high, high fever & I was depressed that my baby was gone. I was overwhelmed by taking care of a hyper toddler & a special needs infant. I was failing in communicating with my husband. I felt like I had no one to turn to. My heart was broken for so many reasons & I felt myself spiraling farther & farther into depression. I got up every day mostly because I knew I had to feed & dress kids. One night I finally broke down. In the middle of an argument with Derrick about something completely different, I dumped all of my built up emotions out there. He had no idea how I was feeling or that I was still grieving desperately for our baby. He had grieved & moved on & had assumed I had, too. That was the turning point in our relationship this year. We both realized how little we were communicating with each other & began working to change it. Things are still not perfect, but they are much better! 


In October we celebrated our sweet Dylan's 3rd birthday! How he is 3, I don't know. He is a ball of energy, emotion, & humor. He is a wild man, but so sweet & adorable that it makes up for some of the crazy. We still feel so blessed that he is so healthy, smart & normal! Every year I think about how he could have many, many problems or worse, that he could not be here for us to enjoy every day. We feel so thankful to have him!


Then, at the end of October, we started preparing for our newest adventure - our move to Colorado Springs for Derrick to attend Bible College & complete his Pastoral Ministries degree. While it is exciting, it is also terrifying & emotionally draining. We are ready to be there, but are afraid to leave here.  


This year has been one of the most emotionally draining & crazy ones I have every had. The goods have been extremely good & the bads have been extremely bad. I have learned to rely more on God, more on my husband, & more on myself. Derrick & I have learned to lean on each other in the face of adversity instead of pulling away from each other & trying to deal with situations alone. We have seen God provide in ways that we do not understand & could not have planned for ourselves. 


What's in store for the upcoming year? A big move to another state. New ministry opportunities. A new job for Derrick. More college classes for Derrick (and possibly me). For sure, lots of blessings from God as long as we continue to seek Him & His will for us! 


"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:11-13